Happy Valentine’s Day. The old me would cringe when I heard these words. The reason I did is because I have been divorced since 2013. I’ve dated some, but I haven’t dated a lot. From the few that I dated, there was only two men that bought me gifts on that day.
Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day to show the person you love how much you love them by purchasing gifts. It ends up being a day of different emotions for people. A lot of men don’t want to get into the hype because they say it’s a man made holiday. Guess what? All holidays are that we celebrate. Man made everyone of them. Women are excited because they want to receive the gifts. They’re hoping that the love of their life took the time to go buy something they’ve hinted they’ve wanted. A lot of women hope for engagement rings the day. Then, there are the single women or men. Society has made the world to feel that you have to be with someone on Valentine’s Day. When you aren’t, you might feel alone. This post is for the singles.
This might be how you feel inside.
Once, I was the single and feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day. Before I got on social media, I would look at my coworkers having flowers and gifts delivered to them. I was happy for them. Deep inside, I was wishing that one of those bouquet of flowers could have been for me. When I got on social media, I wouldn’t spend a lot of time scrolling on February 14 because I was desiring to be boo’d up with someone myself. It wasn’t for a like or a heart. That doesn’t drive me to make a post or share. It was because I wanted to have a man to celebrate the “day of love.”
It wasn’t until I started loving myself more that I realized that I didn’t have to have a man to make myself happy. Please don’t get me wrong. You’ll never hear me or read me say that you don’t need a partner. I do desire companionship. I do desire to remarry, but my thoughts about me are different.
I know that the first person I must love is me. I have to make sure that I am good mentally. I have to continue to seek counseling through good and bad moments. Counseling keeps me balanced. I have to make sure that I can communicate effectively with my future husband. I can’t shut down if we have a disagreement. Communication is everything. I have to know how to work things out. I have to make sure that I am in good health condition physically as well. I want to travel and do outside activities with my future husband. Therefore, I have to make sure I’m in good shape. I had to learn to love to cook. One my first go around with marriage, my ex, children, and I ate a lot of hamburger helper. Now, I feel that I’m Chef Boyardee in the kitchen. I’m in there about four out of the seven days a week trying a new recipe and posting my cooking videos on TikTok. I gotta know how to cook well for my future husband.
One of my latest meals
I love the person that I am becoming. It’s ok to take yourself out on a date today. Self care is one of the greatest things you can do for yourself. If you aren’t at the place where you can dine alone on Valentine’s Day, don’t beat yourself up. It takes time to get to that place. Instead, you can doordash or Uber eats. You can try a recipe that you have wanted to try. You can go buy yourself some flowers. You can buy yourself your favorite perfume or cologne. You can take yourself to the movies and see the new Bob Marley movie that’s being released today. Whatever you decide to do, it doesn’t matter. As long as you remember, you are your greatest gift. You are a blessing to be alive.
Please know that because you are not in a relationship that it doesn’t mean that you aren’t beautiful or handsome. It doesn’t mean that you are worthless. It doesn’t mean that no one want to be with you. Please know that there is no greater love than self love. On today, I want you to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you.” 💛💛💛💛
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Go love yourself. 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
“We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.” “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” For some people, when they hear the lyrics to these song, their faces are immediately lit with excitement. They think about the gifts that will be bought or received from loved ones and friends. Others can’t wait to start preparing and decorating for Christmas. They think of how many trees they’ll put up in their homes. Some start as soon as Halloween is over. Others wait until after Thanksgiving is over. Then, there are those that start decorating the month of December.
There is no right or wrong for whatever choice one makes on decorating for Christmas holidays. Holidays are a wonderful time that is spent with loved ones; whether it be your friends or your family. People gather for Christmas parties at work, at restaurants, their houses, or friends houses. It’s a celebration and festive times. It lasts for months.
Unfortunately, not all people see the holidays as a festive occasion. People are dealing with many things that they never speak about and hate for the holidays to come around. Some people are seasonal depressed. Daylight savings time came, and it’s darker outside. People are stressed because they don’t have the finances to decorate, purchase Christmas trees, or gifts for their children. Studies show that women are 2 out of 4 times for likely to experience SAD (seasonal affective disorder).https://www.optum.com/health-articles/article/health-conditions/could-you-have-seasonal-affective-disorder/?
Others are depressed about other things. It could be because of sadness from the loss of a loved one. This might be the first year that the love one is no longer here to celebrate the holidays, or it could be year 20. The length of the time doesn’t matter because grief has no time period. When a person loses someone he/she loves, life is no longer the same without the person on earth.
Some people don’t even know what depression looks like. Depression looks different for everyone. Symptoms can be loss of sleep or too much sleep, slow thinking, lack of sex drive, reduced or increased appetite, trouble concentrating, and many more. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007. That’s one reason why it goes undiagnosed because people think what they are going through is normal. As a person that takes mental health seriously and has gone to therapy for over 10 years, there are even times that I miss when I’m feeling depressed. At this moment,I am dealing and experiencing depression from both categories.
I’ve never been a morning person. Even when I set my alarm clock for an earlier time to wake up, I still end up almost late or late. That’s always been my struggle. I remember one night I’d committed to getting to school super early the next day. Before I went to bed, I set my alarm clock. That morning, I got to work and was happy that I’d accomplished getting there earlier usual. As soon as I got ready to grab my things, I realized that I’d left my work laptop at home. I live 20 minutes away. That was an extra forty minutes of driving that day. At that moment, I just thought oh I was forgetful. I was very frustrated from all the driving, but I didn’t think anything of it.
The next incident really shook me up though. I was at the last stoplight before I would make it to work. I’m less than 2 minutes away. I’m not on the phone. The radio isn’t on. If you know me, that should have been my clue because I love music. There were no outside distractions, but I didn’t know mentally I was distracted. I see a green light, hit my gas, and proceed to turn. Immediately, I realized that it wasn’t the turn signal. It was the green light for the cars that were driving straight to go. If you’ve driven in Florida traffic, you know it’s horrendous. I did stop, but I was in the middle of traffic. Cars were blowing at me, and the drivers were staring at me as they drove by. I was in tears, but all I could do was wait for my light to change. When I pulled in the school’s parking lot, I broke down. I couldn’t believe I’d down that. I wondered what was I doing, but I thanked God for sparing my life because there are many that pass away each day in vehicular accidents. I know I’m not any more special than anyone else, but I’m grateful for my life being spared that day.
When I’m depressed, I sleep a lot. I don’t eat. I go to work and come home to the bed. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to work out. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to clean. This is why it’s really important for a person to truly know themselves. It’s important to know something is off. In the church world, people are quick to say “God won’t put more on you than you can bear.” In actuality, that’s not in even in the Bible. There are times that we experience things that we can NOT bear.
As the months passed, life got harder for me. I was missing my grandmother more. She passed away 3 years ago. During this time, her birthday was approaching. I was grieving her. One of my loved ones was diagnosed with cancer. When I receive news like that, it shakes my faith. Another issue was I’d depleted all my savings to simply pay rent. Before it was all gone, I was applying for applications constantly because I didn’t want to deplete it. I would ask the places that I visited (grocery stores, drug stores, and others) if they were hiring. They’d say no. I wasn’t sitting and twirling my fingers. I was being proactive by applying, but I was getting no’s and denials from all. The denials were also detrimental to my mind. I began to wonder am I worthy. I began to wonder if moving to Florida was even worth it. I began to question God and if I’d really heard Him when I decided to relocate. I questioned did I move because of me being disgruntled from my previous job. I was losing faith and hope. I didn’t even want to pray. I wondered would God even hear my prayers. I was low. I was angry, hurt, and had no words to say. I was sinking into depression really bad. My close friends that communicate with them on a regular basis knew that I was off. I let them know how I was feeling, and they lifted me in prayer.
I began to feel better, but I still wasn’t 100% myself. One Saturday morning, I decided that I couldn’t allow life to pass me by. I did some of the things that I love. I got out of the bed. I went for a walk. I cooked breakfast. I played music. I opened the windows to let fresh air in and lit candles. I was glad to be snapping out of depression. It’s really a hard thing to do, but I was determined to get back to the positive Carman. A few weeks later, God gave me a boost to help put a huge smile on my face.
God said let me show this woman who I am. My student loans were in forbearance, and it was time for me to start repaying. I didn’t know what I was going to do because I’m already struggling. I didn’t want to have a new debt added. About two months after I’d spoken with my student loan company, I received an email that all my student loans were forgiven, and it was wasn’t a small amount. I reflected on the miracle because I haven’t even gotten my second year finished, and I know people that’s been teaching for years that are still paying on their student loans. If I had remained in banking, I would have still had the debt. I know that was God’s way of letting me know that I heard His voice when I moved. He did want me to be a teacher. I’m walking in my purpose. This is where I’m supposed to be in life.
I salute all teachers because our pay is superrrrr low. The majority of jobs, an employee can leave work at the door. That’s not it for a teacher. There’s countless hours of planning, grading, contacting parents, and catching up on emails that are days behind. The cost of living in Florida is ridiculous. I’m out here trying to do it all alone. My students loans were paid off, and I was happy again for a few months. I knew that I still had to pay rent. I really wanted a work from home part time job because I’m on my feet all day long. One of the jobs that I’d applied for finally hired me. It was a virtual teaching job. I was ecstatic. I assumed that I’d be having to deny students that wanted tutoring because I assumed I would have a lot of tutoring opportunities. They’d send me a link asking if I was interested in tutoring this particular student. Immediately, I’d say yes. Just because it was suggested, I quickly learned it didn’t mean I’d get the job. They’d say the student matched with someone else. At this point, I’d decided that I might have to pack up and leave. The cost of living is simply too much for me. I’d even sent my mom a text asking if I could come back home.
Right before I was making the decision to leave, God opened a door. I’d previously inquired about working at the movies. At the time, they weren’t hiring. Late one night, I received a message to go apply. It was almost 8:00 pm. It was cold and rainy. I did NOT want to get out of my bed. I said if this is a test I’m not going to fail. Let me get up. There were even obstacles after I went, but I was finally hired. I’ve got to find a cheaper place but still a safe place to live.
Mental health is very important. As of now, I’m in a good head space. I’m praying. I’m talking to my friends and loved ones. I’m being more transparent when I’m hurting. I’m not holding things in and saying I’m fine. Holding things in is never good to do. It makes you become overwhelmed and anxious. That’s not a good space to be in. One time I wrote about having a village. Having a village is very important. Your village can be there to lift you up when you have no words to pray. Your village can be there for you when life is life’ing. Your village can be there for you to encourage you as you deal with life challenges. Your village will allow you to cry, scream, or simply listen as you speak.
Life is hard. We will have good days and bad days, but we can’t give up. Keep living. Keep pushing. Keep striving. Keep doing wonderful things. Depression is real, but so are you.
If you’d rather watch instead of reading, click on the video above.
You are beautiful. You are smart. You are loving. You are adventurous. You have a great personality. You love your family. You have values and good morals. You are a hard worker. You are God’s girl. You are epic. You are the prize. You are the shit. You deserve good shit and don’t you forget.
One might be wondering what is going on. I’ve never heard or read Carman type those way. Well, these are things that I have to remind myself when I get lonely. I want to be honest. I want to talk about dating and how being single in mid 40’s has been for me. For me, it has been hard. It has been a journey. Some days, I have to speak affirmations to myself in order to keep smiling and not cry. In my mind, I thought I’d be married forever, but that’s not how it ended. I’ve been divorced for 10 years, and I will say that dating is not for the weak. When you are dating, you learn more about yourself. You learn things about you that you didn’t know are within. You learn that you might not be as great as you thought you were in your mind, and you just might need to work on things in order to be a healthy person for the person of your future.
I will say that after my divorce that I was not fit for anyone. I was damaged. I was hurt from things that happened in my divorce. I was walking around with bitterness, hurt, anger, and distrust inside. I knew I had to let those those things go. How could I be healthy for a man that might have been interested in me? Even though I was going to therapy, I was not healthy for myself or a man. I had to work out a lot of things that I was holding within me. I was saying to myself, my friends, and even to God that I was ready to be in a serious relationship again. In actuality, I wasn’t ready. To be honest, complete healing took me longer than what I expected. Truthfully, I will say that I only became the best version of me within the last 2-3 years. Each day, I still strive to be a better version of me.
After I was in a better place mentally, I decided I’d jump into the dating pool. I wish someone would have warned me what dating later in life is really like. My ex husband and I dated in high school. When we divorced, I was in my 30’s. Remember, I wasn’t healed until my 40’s. I missed out on decades on “what to do.” I really was clueless on the “norms” of dating. I was thinking that the men that I were dating were on the same wavelength as me. I desired a long term committed relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, but the majority of the men I conversed with had no desire to be committed; let alone married.
The problem is not because of lack of availability. According to the census, there are 51.4% African American men and 47.5% African American women that have never been married. https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2022/07/marriage-prevalence-for-black-adults-varies-by-state.html. I feel that with today’s society that people are living together longer instead of marrying. I feel that many saw their parents divorced, have been divorced themselves, afraid to try marriage/remarry. Where does this leave the romantics, people like me, in the world?
If a person asked me this question a few years ago, my answer would have been feeling lonely, but I’m thankful I’m in a better mental place. I decided to try dating apps. Some have no issues with the apps, but I do. I wasn’t trying to find someone for a casual hookup. I want something lasting. I did not like the feeling of sending a like in whatever form the app designed and not receiving a match back. When I didn’t get a match back, I take it personal. I wondered what was wrong with me. It didn’t matter that I had put a “X” on a another person. I was just thinking of the one that I gave a reaction. Honestly, the dating apps made me feel as if I was rejected. I had to realize that I would not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that is ok.
When dating apps didn’t work, I resorted back to familiarity. My justification was why learn someone new when I could just have a situationship with someone from my past. We aren’t dating, but he was there when I needed him. We laugh. We talk. We vent to each other. When we want sex, we please each other. I knew that I couldn’t continue to do that either. Eventually, I desired more from myself. As much as I said it didn’t bother me, it did. I felt that each time I left his house that I left a part of me there. In order for me to be completely healed, I couldn’t do situanships either. I feel that is one of the reasons that God moved me from Mississippi. As much as I said I would stop, I would return every few months. With me moving 12 hours away, I couldn’t pick up the phone to send a text or call to ask can I come over. I know that God knew my heart. God had to remove me from the situation for Him to answer the desires of my heart.
I did try another dating app when I moved to Florida. I realized that is that man’s prerogative to like what he likes. It is mine for me to like who I like. On my second time around with dating apps, I did have more interaction, but the majority of the men were only wanting sex. I had men that were trying to come to my apartment, or to their place, and had never even held a conversation with me.
There was one guy. Things were going well. We would text through out the day and talk on the phone for hours at night. We would FaceTime each other at the beginning or end of the day. Things looked really promising. One thing about me is that I pray. I prayed to God and asking if he was the one for me. It wasn’t but about two days later, and all the communication ceased. I assumed that the two of us were building something great. I knew with him removed from my life that God answered my prayer. It just wasn’t the way that I expected. God removed him from my life before things got too deep. God knows me, and I’m glad I prayed earlier in the courting period versus months later down the road. My feelings would have been deeper and been hurt more.
Now, this isn’t the first time that this experience has happened to me. Shoot, I’ve lost count. Regardless of the number, being ghosted is never fun. It’s hurtful. I used to wonder if I said or did something wrong when a guy would ghost me. I would replay conversations in my mind. It wasn’t me. It never was me. It’s whatever he’s dealing with inside. I’m not saying that I’m perfect because I’m not perfect by a long shot. I realized that each time I involved God with prayer, that He was being God. If I’d prayed about all dates, I could have saved myself some heartaches along the way. God remove him and others that I thought were potentials out of my life in order for there to be room for the right one.
There were a lot of nights that I cried because I desired to be in a relationship. There were and have many therapy sessions that I cried because I was discussing my singleness. One of the most recent things that I took from a therapy session was for me to put up boundaries. I have to know exactly what I want and communicate to the guy what my desires are. I have to realize what I will accept and what I won’t. These things need to be communicated within the first 3-5 dates. If you and the other person do not agree on the nonnegotiable, it is no point in wasting your time.
Another thing she recommended was to date them all until one asks you to be the one. Men do it all the time with no regards. Women should be able to do the same.
Through this process of dating, I have learned that I am too much for some people. What I mean by that is my personality. Some people don’t like a talkative woman. I love conversations. I’m old school. I want to hear voices. Pick up the phone and call me. In today’s society, everything is quick. It’s easy to text all day long. It’s ok to send a text while we’re at work or have things going on. Some point on the day, call me.
My way of communicating might scare men away. If I’m asking questions to get an understanding, he might take it as me nagging. I know the difference of communication and nagging. Have I ever been a nagging woman? Hell yea. I’m not perfect, but effective communication is the best for any relationship.
I learned that I might be intimidating to some men. It might appear that I have it all together because I have certain things and do certain things on my own. Men like to provide. One might wonder what can he provide if I “have it all.” To be honest, I don’t have it all. I desire companionship. I desire to be a team with my partner. It would be me and him against the world.
Relaxing at the beach, one of my favorite places in the world.
I leaned that dating apps, at the moment, aren’t for me. For me, I get anxiety waiting to see if the guy I gave a heart or a like is going to give me a reaction back. I don’t like giving out my maximum hearts each day and not getting one back. Some people love it, and the dating apps have worked out perfect for them. I know a lot of people that have had great success with them. I’m truly happy for those people.
In the process, I had a huge moment of revelation. I was taking not getting likes back as rejection. One of my best friends asked me why. I couldn’t give her an answer. All I could say was I don’t know why. This week in prayer, my answer was revealed to me. I took my divorce as a sign of failure. I thought the men on the apps not wanting me as being rejection. After having this revelation this week, I decided it was best for me to pause my profile, log out of the account, and have some more therapy sessions.
I’d heard the statement before that you have to learn yourself and be comfortable in your singleness before God will send your mate. It really is true. I’m learning myself more and more each day. I’m becoming a better version of myself each day. I’m learning there will be ups and downs. That doesn’t mean that I stop wanting love. Just because one man didn’t work out for me, that means he wasn’t the one.
Remember the guy I mentioned earlier. The craziest and most absurd thing happened this week. He sent me a message saying he missed me. Now, the old me would have been happy and wanted to hear the excuse he had to say. The old me would me would have felt lonely and believed what he said and given him another chance but not this Carman. Not this Carman that’s learning, processing, and trying to do God’s will. This Carman here is healing and becoming the woman God wants her to be for her future husband. This Carman knows that there is so much more than he can give. This Carman knows that she’s the shit. This Carman knows that she deserves good shit. This Carman knows that she isn’t going to stop until she has it. 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
July is child bereavement month, parents that have lost children in death. No parent ever wants to bury a child, but it does happen. My friend, Sandra, lost her son, Michael in a car accident on June 7, 2014. I asked her to share his story.
Michael was born March 31, 1979. He was the oldest and only son. He was the typical boy. She describes him as mischievous, playing with go-carts, video games, and trucks. He never enjoyed school, but he graduated from high school to appease his mom and grandmother. As an adult, he enjoyed fishing, golfing, and hunting. He was always a hard worker. He had his first job as a junior in high school. Even as an adult, he maintained the hard work ethic. Sandra says he “worked to support his family and his boys.”
Michael’s grandmother and mom, Sandra
I asked her to describe Michael as a brother. He was a great big brother to his sisters, Kim and Sonya. Michael was their “Bubba.” Later in life, Michael lived in Alabama, but they remained close. His death has been hard on them. There are things they wished they could pick up the phone to talk to him about certain things that’s happened.
Michael, Sandra, Kim, and Sonya
I asked how was Michael as a husband and dad? He has three children (Gregory, AJ, and Carson). He had two with his first wife, and one with his second wife. His youngest son was never able to meet him. He and his second wife (Abbigail) found out they were expecting 6 days before he was killed. Sandra was honest. She said he wasn’t perfect, but he was a good husband. He worked to provide, but “he could have spent more time with the boys than he did.” He went to ballgames, but he didn’t take them as many places. Michael is like all of us. We don’t know how much time we have on earth. He assumed he had more time. “He was doing the best that he could do.”
Sandra remembers all the details on the day that he passed away. It was a Saturday morning around 7:15 am. She received a call from her mom. Her mom lived in Red Bay, Alabama, and Michael lived in Spruce Pine , Alabama. Her mother received a call from her aunt. Michael’s driver’s license had his aunt’s address. The state trooper went to his aunt’s house to deliver the news that Michael had been involved in a one car accident and did not make it. He was driving a little to fast in the curb. The road was wet. He got in slick gravel, hit a tree on the driver’s side door, and it was caused head trauma. It killed him instantly.
When she received the news from her mother, she “dropped to her knees.” She was in shock that her only son was gone. She had to call her daughters, and they reacted the same way. It “was the worst day that I have had in my 61 years. It was the worst.”
Sandra’s faith allowed her to prepare for the funeral. Abby was Michael’s second wife. She was two months pregnant with their son. It was very hard for her to do the funeral arrangements. She allowed Sandra to proceed with the funeral arrangements. Sandra is a huge Alabama fan. Michael was also. She picked out an Alabama casket. She carried his clothing to his house and pressed his Alabama polo and jeans for the funeral. This was a Saturday evening because the clothes were due Sunday afternoon to the funeral home.
That morning, Sandra went to Sunday school. She knew that she would not have made it “without her church family. I needed that support.” After church, she took the clothing for the funeral. The visitation was Sunday night, and the funeral was Monday. With him being married, Abby did have the final decisions. Sandra wanted some of his hair to put in the memorial crosses that are made. Even though Sandra is the mother, Abby had to call the funeral home to give permission for them to give it to her.
Seeing him in the casket “was unimaginable. You never expect to bury a child before you.” Sandra had an outpouring of love from her family, church, and his coworkers. Michael worked at a rubber factory in Alabama. His coworkers cut a piece from his machine, signed it, and placed it in the coffin with him. She said “the day was very emotional because you never expect that, but the funeral home did a great job. He looked like Michael.”
One question to Sandra was how do you cope with the loss of your son. Her answer was her faith in God. She said she does not understand how people without faith are able to cope. It was only because of her faith that she’s made it this far. She said people have two options in life. “You can choose to be biter. You can choose to be thankful. I chose thankfulness. I still do to this day. Even that day, I was thankful to God for the 35 years He gave us with him. I am thankful that God gave us 3 grandchildren to carry on his name. I’m thankful for the 35 years because some people don’t live to see that. Some parents never get to see their kids graduate, get married, have grandchildren with them. They lost them too early. I chose to be thankful for the time God gave us.”
I always ask what advice can you give to the next person that’s experiencing what you are. “Take it one day at a time. Put your grief in Jesus. He’s the only One that can help you through it. Medicines can’t help you; alcohol, drugs, nothing like that can help you.” Sandra says grief is still there.
Another thing Sandra suggest is share your feelings on how you feel losing a child. She said one thing you say can help someone else. She has a friend that also lost a son due to a drunk driving accident. Her friend was very angry and was almost drove herself crazy. Sandra said that her friend found her faith in God. She says “don’t let yourself get drug down into a dark hole. Seek God if You don’t know Him. He’ll put the rest of the puzzle back together.”
Football season is her hardest time. She misses the moments of him texting her saying he’s golfing, fishing, or hunting. He’d ask her to keep him up to date on the score of the football game. She reiterates her faith in God. “If you’re saved and your child is saved, rest assure you’ll see them again one day.”
One thing that she’s committed to is to never let Michael’s memory die. She said that each year on his birthday or date of death that she will receive messages from family, friends, loved ones, and his former coworkers. She said people will tell stories on things that they remember and loved about Michael. His son, nieces, and nephews know of him. She said they look at the pictures on the wall. They know daddy. They know Uncle Michael. They still talk about him at family functions. “We will definitely always keep Michael’s memory alive.”
My mother’s name is Homerzell “Zell” Long. She is the youngest out of 18 single births. Being the youngest, my mom stated that she had examples of how to be successful in life and encouraging her how to be the best she can be in all aspects of her life. She grew up in Desoto County and attended Hernando Central from elementary through high school. My mother graduated from high school in 1969 and attended Mississippi Valley State (1969-1971). She was able to attend college with a band scholarship as a majorette (color guard) carrying the state of MS flag. This was the time period of segregation. It wasn’t always easy to carry the flag, being ridiculed for doing it, but she did it for her education. (I need to interview her another time for those stories). Her education was important to her.
My mom and her siblings
Unfortunately, my mother was not able to complete her college education. She and my father got pregnant with my oldest brother, Juan. Even though she wasn’t able to finish her college degree, she maintained her desire to continue learning. She attended community college for various classes. Through working for the City of Tupelo, she was the first to be certified as the economic developer. Education is something that she values, and she made sure that she focused on it with her children. Her reasoning is that education is something that no one can take from you. The desires were for her children were “be your best. Do your best. Don’t settle for a C if you can make a B. Don’t settle for a B if you can make an A….You learn, as a parent, to accept what their abilities are, and you learn to accept them along the way.”
This picture includes my maternal grandparents (far right) with my mom and her siblings
Mom says that having all eight children with degrees “makes me so proud. They made their mom happy.” We could have stopped with high school diplomas, but we didn’t. She is pleased that we excelled from junior college level to the master degree level.
My parents and their children (October 2022)
As the executive director of Boys and Girls Club of North MS, they stress learning what is the person’s skills. Whereas education is important, but it goes beyond that. Children need to know “soft skills.” Children need to know “how to be polite, how to dress, how to shake hands, how to look people in the eye, and help make career decisions.” If you know your children, you will learn that not all children have a desire to go to college. Some with get a technical job, and that’s ok. There are some technical jobs that pay more than ones with college degrees. Being a teacher, I know first hand about that. This is why my mother advises parents know their children and what they desire to be in life. Every parent has a dream and a goal that is desired for their child. Some desire for their children to take athletic ability to the professional level, but my mom states “one injury can end all that. Don’t set going professional level as the main goal. Education is the key. Talk to your children what they want. It is their life, not yours. Help them to realize their career path. Let them know to work hard. You can fulfill your dream. You just gotta work at it. You gotta work it. You gotta work it.”
My mom at one of her “Dancing like the Stars” event for Boys and Girls Club of North MS
I always ask every person that I interview what advice can you give. My mom said that she’s glad that my siblings and I are out of school because of how things have changed with the way homework is done. She encourages parents “to love your child where they are. If there is help that you can do for them, do it.” On one of the board committees she serves on, they discuss early childhood education. Some of the children aren’t aware of how to use a mouse on the computer. She says “take away the cellphone and take your child to the library” in order for them to be able to successfully pass the entrance test.
My mother and I
Another suggestion is to attend parent-teacher meetings. She knows from first hand how important relationships between parent and the teacher are because she did it. Also, she has two daughters that are teachers (myself and my sister, Shayla). Some parents don’t attend meetings. Mom says “support your child from that standpoint. That way, you will know what’s going on before they bring home a paper or report card. The child is failing, and you want to know what happened. Why didn’t you learn this?” I love the last statement she gave. “Parents are their first teachers. That’s been proven.”
Here is the video link for the video of the interview. My paternal grandparents, Elnora and Hazel Long Sr. There would be no JB without them.
In the month of June, there is a day that’s celebrated for recognizing children’s day. My mother and father have eight children. I wanted to interview them about the importance of education. I wanted to know how they felt having eight children with a college degree. Here is my father’s, JB Long, story.
The man himself, my father
My father grew up in segregation. Even though it was no longer slavery, schools were still separated by the melanin of their skin. In elementary, he attended Mary C Wade. He would attend Mary C Wade until high school. For high school, he attended Carver High School. For college, he attended what was formerly known as Mississippi Valley State College. Even though English was his favorite subject, he majored in chemistry. He said he liked to talk, but he had a passion for learning to create and desired to invent things. Sadly, his passion did not come into fruition. He dropped out of college.
My dad back in the day. Not sure when this picture was taken.
The reason he dropped out was because he and my mom were pregnant with my oldest brother. My father said that he knew several of his classmates that had children, but they were not in their children’s lives. He said if it ever happened to him that he would not be as those men. When they became pregnant, my father knew that he had to step up and raise his son. At the time, his mother in law, Gillie Jones, offered him the opportunity for my mother and Juan to stay at home with her. Instead, he knew that he wanted to be there for his family. He forsook education to be a provider. That was a decision he doesn’t regret.
My parents, siblings, oldest daughter (pink dress), and I
My father reflected back on previous generations. His parents weren’t able to attend school as far as he had. His parents only received elementary educations. He is the second oldest out of eight. He was thankful that he was able to attend college for a few years. Just as his parents did for him, my father wanted to make sure that the “baton was passed” to his children. He wanted us all to understand the importance of education. “Education is something that you can’t take out of your head. Once you have it, you have it… to achieve great things in life.” His desires for his children were “to go as far and they can. Never settle for anything less.”
My father and his siblings (July 2020)
My parents have eight children. The order of birth is Juan, myself (Carman), Jason, Maury, Joshua, Shayla, Jenci, and Zierra. Juan graduated from Tupelo High School May 1989 and attended Mississippi State University. I asked my father how did it feel when the first child graduated from college. My father remembers the day Juan graduated from college. He was very proud of Juan because it was a sense of accomplishment. It was something that he hadn’t done. Because of what Juan did, it was an example for the younger siblings that were to follow in his steps.
My parents, siblings, and I (October 2022). We are blessed. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
As we talked, my father began to become emotional. I asked him how does it feel having ALL eight children with a college degree (associate, bachelor, and master). He answered “It is a legacy that people can take to the grave. It is a sense of accomplishment, joy, and peace. They have those degrees. With those degrees, doors are opened for them.” I can say that all right of us are successful in our own way and paths.
Children need support. The question asked was how can you show your children support as they are in school. I love the response he gave. “Support is not just saying the words. Support means showing up. Your child might choose band, and you might not like band. It doesn’t matter. You get off the coach, take off work, and go support them.”
He’s my hero. I still look up to him and admire the sacrifices he’s made for me and my siblings.
He recalls a time when Juan had an out of town football game, and he was scheduled to work. As he reflected on the memory, tears began to form in his eyes. He’d always attended his games. That day, daddy told Juan that he wasn’t going to be able to make it, but he told him to do his best. All day long, he replayed the conversation in his mind and the look on Juan’s face when he told him. He said it was a look of rejection. My dad told his supervisor that he couldn’t stay at work. He had to leave early. He and my mom drove to Jackson, Mississippi to watch Juan’s football game. When they pulled up, he described Juan’s face in comparison as “losing a best friend.” He called his name to get his attention on the sidelines. He yelled, “Juan, Juan.. The moment he saw me, his face lit up… He started laughing and grinning…. As parents, you have to make sacrifices. Go out of your way to be there. That’s something children will always cherish. It’s the little things like that your child will always remember.”
My dad and oldest brother, Juan
Every time I interview a person, I always ask what advice can you give to the next person. My father’s response… “God did not make all children straight A students. As parents, we make mistakes trying to live our lives through children…. My motto for my children was to go to the classroom and do your best. If a C was your best, I was satisfied… Stand behind your children and support them. Do not try to force the child to be something you never became. Be there for your children. When they are doing right, stand behind them. Even if they make mistakes, still stand behind them…. Education is important. It’s like running a race. If you drop the baton, you haven’t won the race. You have to cross the finish line in order to be a winner. Even if you don’t cross the finish line in education, find out what they do their best in to help them be the best person they can be.”
My children, my father, and I on the day of my graduation from the University of Mississippi (June 2017)
His last words were the most profound of the day. “Let your children know you love them. Cherish them because the time will run out. It might be 60 days, and the next thing you know, they’ll be 16. The next thing you know, they’re graduating from high school. I tell people when your child graduates from high school, you lose your child. That child leaves the home to develop his/her identity. You love, you support them as long as you’re on this earth. Every decision “they” make might not be the best, love your children. Pray for them. Support them… If you do your best, God will do the rest.”
The baby of the bunch… My sister, Zierra, on her graduation from MSU. All 8 children have a college degree.
Here’s the video if you don’t want to read. This is how excited I am about turning 46. Many didn’t make it. I’m thankful and blessed.
How many of you have heard of the story Jonah from the bible? Some would say it’s a fable. As a Christian believer, I find it to be a story of learning to be obedient to the voice of God. Sometimes, we go through things that we caused on our our own. We realize that we didn’t have to go through this, and we seek God for His help to get out of trouble. With God being God, He comes to our rescue.
For those that might not know the story of Jonah, I’ll give you a short synopsis. You can read the book of Jonah for his full story. The story of Jonah is about a man that was chosen by God to preach. Because the people of the city were wicked, Jonah is afraid to preach to the people in the city. Instead of obeying God, he runs and gets on a ship. Due to his disobedience, he ends up in the belly of a whale. After time passes, he begs God to give him another chance to preach to the people. God honors his request.
I, too, was like Jonah. Now, God hasn’t told me to preach, but I ran away from my calling. I ran away for years, twenty-five years to be exact. What is my calling? It is to teach children in the school system. I am thankful that I am obedient and walking in what God wants me to do.
For me to have peace of mind, this is what I had to do.
For years, things were not comfortable on my previous job. I wasn’t happy about being there. There were false things that were said about me, and I was reprimanded for these things. There were many nights that I cried to family, friends, and sought God for help. To be honest, I never should have stayed as long as I had. I stayed because I had seniority. I stayed because I made a nice salary. I stayed because I’d built up to four weeks of vacation time. I stayed because of fear of leaving. I was even afraid of leaving and going to another bank in my city. Just as Jonah, things got bad enough where I asked God to please help me. Please deliver me. God did just that. God pulled an Abraham on me. 😂 He took me to a foreign land away from everything and everyone I’ve known.
July 31, 2022, I’m no longer living in MS.
The education system is a part of my lineage. I have aunts, a sister, a daughter, and several cousins that are in the education system. For years, my aunts begged me to teach. They told me that I would do great in education. Teaching was the furthest thing from my mind. Just as Jonah, I ran from it. I thought there was no way that I could teach. As I look back and reflect on my life, I have been dealing with children and teaching in some capacity all my life. My first job was as a babysitter. After that, I worked at different after school programs. Before any of the children played or did activities, we did schoolwork, and I assisted with it. When I was in high school, I tutored my friends in different classes. In my years of banking, we went to different schools or apartment complexes to teach about finances. Most of the time, my coworkers didn’t want to talk. They allowed me to do all the talking. It didn’t bother me one bit. Last June, God spoke to me and told me to teach as a career.For all the reasons listed above, I didn’t even blink when He said it. God saved me from the pit and gave me another chance.
My last day of banking
July 30, 2022, my father loaded my belongings in a U-Haul, and he brought me to my final destination of Kissimmee, Florida. A few days later, I was officially a teacher. I won’t lie. I was nervous. I was scared. All I’d known for the majority of my adult career was banking. I had to learn something new all over. I was worried would I learn it.
The first day of school for students, August 10, 2022
There were some days we sat in planning, and I was hoping and praying deep inside that my name wouldn’t be called. Most of the terminology was Greek to me. I compare my experience to understanding a new language and knowing absolutely nothing about it. Honestly, some of those day, I was sitting in those meetings almost at the verge of tears because of my lack of knowledge. I am one that takes pride in knowing information. For me to have to start back over and know nothing, it was very hard for me. I held it together during planning. On those nights, I cried at home with family, friends, and God.
One day in prayer, God spoke to me and said for me to allow myself grace. I was being too hard on myself by setting up the hard expectations of trying to know it quickly. I had to realize that I didn’t learn banking in one day. My years of knowledge was developed of years of being in banking. As time passes, it will be the same way with teaching. I just have to allow myself time. When I stopped and took deep breaths, things got easier for me. Day by day, things started clicking. The day will come that I will know more and be comfortable with my knowledge in teaching.
Before any of my students stepped in my class, I asked God for a few things. Lord, please let my class be a room of love. Not all children will receive it at home. Not all children will receive it in other classrooms. I told God that I would be firm when needed because children need structure, but I would always be fair and show them love. With that approach, I knew some would hate me (for the firmness). Others would like me, and others would love me.
These are the four rules that God gave me for my classroom.
Teaching is very different from banking. When I walked out the doors of the bank, I didn’t taking anything home with me. Whatever wasn’t done at closing, it would be waiting on me the next day. A lot of more work is involved. Honestly, teaching is almost a 24 hour job. You’re always planning. Your’e always grading. You’re always thinking of ways to improve lessons. You’re always in touch with parents. You’re always wondering if your student ate that day. You’re always wondering why a particular student has missed so many days. You’re wondering how you can get through to the student that you know is smart, but he/she doesn’t want to let the friends know. Your’e wondering how the student is holding up knowing the student has lost a parent or sibling. A lot of these things are difficult for adults.Imagine a child going through these things each day, but society tells them they have no voice. That’s why I was adamant that my students know that Ms Long’s room, room 308, will be a place of safety, a place of love, and a room that their thoughts would be challenged.
A message from a parent.
Before I knew what a benchmark was, I knew how my students would start each day. I love motivational quotes. I wanted to incorporate it in my teaching. For the bell work (all year long), I posted a quote on the board. It depended on what my mood was on what kinda quote they received that morning. To name a few, the topics on the quotes would range from self worth, love, positivity, pride on about who you are, pride on your culture, cheating on assignments, and mental health. The students wrote their thoughts on what the quote meant to them. By the end of the year, I had students that found quotes and wanted to share it with me. I put their quotes on the board and put the name of the student that contributed. They never knew when I would use it. They would be excited seeing their name on the board with their quote.
Some of the quotes that I put on the board.
At the end of each day, the teachers have to display the bus schedule for the students in 7th period. By the end of the year, I had students that I taught earlier in the day and some that I didn’t even teach to catch the bus in my room. Word got around about Ms Long. The children knew that my heart was pure. Room 308 was a safe and loving place for all. My prayers were answered.
One of my sweet students on the last day of school.
Each day, I went to work with peace. I had supervisors that supported me. I had coaches that helped me when I needed help on understanding what the state of Florida wanted me to teach. I was excited about teaching children. I was excited about them gaining a desire to read. I was excited about seeing the ones that used to clown in class start to take class more seriously. I was happy when parents thanked me for taking the time and caring about their children. I didn’t do it for their thanks. I did it because I want the best for all of my students and desire for them to be productive adults later in life.
One of my students sharing her quote.
I was a blessing to the students, but they were a blessing to me. My first year is over. I have a sense of accomplishment. This first year of teaching has been a blessing for me. I, finally, accepted my calling my calling from God, and my life got easier.
The last day of school for teachers. I was happy for my summer break. You can have these keys. 🤣🤣
If you don’t want to read the blog, here is the YouTube video. In the year of 2007….James IV, Destinee, and Shania
Every time that I write, I feel that it is always from the heart. Each time that I write, I feel that it makes me go to a deeper depth, but I think this one is most personable. Today is Mother’s Day, and I’m thankful to be a mother. Being a mother, it is not a title that I take lightly. It is a honor to be a part of this “special club.”
I am the mother of three adult children. I have two daughters and one son. Their names are Destinee, Shania, and James Carston, IV. If you have been following me through the years, I discussed my divorce. When I got divorced, I had to leave the marital home. I missed living with them the last teenage years of their lives. There were many nights that I cried because I felt that I missed out on certain moments. It was times that our relationship was estranged, but I am thankful for them being adults. God restored our relationship with my children, and I am thankful each day that He did.
July 2021….. The last time that all three of us were together at the same time. 🥹🥹
We have a group text. A few weeks ago, Shania sent me these memes and asked me to answer them. When I read them, I said whew. These are deep, but I want to honor her request by doing this blog post this morning. Here I am today and happy to oblige her request.
What is the happiest memory of my children? For Destinee, my happiest memory of her is her strength. I will never forget the day I received a call from her. Destinee was attending Delta State University. She only had one year left of school. Unbeknownst to me, she was in an abusive relationship. She called me and asked me could she come home. I said, “sweetheart, you can always come home.” That day, Destinee made a decision for her. She packed up her things and moved back to Tupelo. A lot of people would think that she was crazy for changing schools on her last year. Due to the transfer, she lost a lot of hours, but that was ok. Destinee showed strength and courage. I am proud of her for putting herself first.
My second daughter is Shania. My happiest memory of her is her independence. I’d never moved from MS, but I wanted them to leave if that is what they desired. That saying “be careful what you wish for” is true. Shania took it to heart. Even when she was younger, Shania told me she wanted to live out of state, and that’s what she did. I remember taking her to the airport when she left MS for the first time. I was very sad because a mom never wants their child to be away from home, but I was proud of her for not being afraid to explore what other things were in the world. I can’t count how many times she’s moved since then. ☺️I can say that each time she has moved it has been an elevation.
The baby is my son, Carston. My happiest moment with him was standing on the field on senior night at Itawamba High School. He had played football from pee wee. That night, the parents were called onto the field with the players. I know you’re probably thinking that I’m his mom. Why would I not be on the field? Honestly, I didn’t know because we were not close at the moment. It was his choice as to whom he would allow to be on the field with him. I was at work, and he called me to tell me about the night. I was glad to stand on the field with my son for all the stadium to hear my name being called as his mother.
What was the nicest thing that I ever done for you?
For Destinee, the nicest thing she did for me was her forgiving me. Destinee is my oldest child. I was a teenage mother. Also, as the oldest, she was the oldest to understand the mistakes that I made as a mother. There are things that I wish that I could take back in life, but we can’t rewrite life. The only thing we can do is learn from the mistakes and move on. I am thankful for the love and forgiveness that Destinee has shown onto me.
Shania.. The nicest thing she has done for me is make me a grandmother. ☺️ I have always heard about being a grandmother, and I thought it was not true what people say. It really is TRUE!!!! I love being a grandmother. It is an amazing feeling. When I am having a bad day, Shania will send me a picture or video of Mason. When I see his handsome face, it takes all my worries away. Mason makes me want to be in the best health that I can be because I want to see him grow old and have memories with my children and him.
My grandson Mason and I 💙💙💙💙
Carston, if you have a son, you know they become a certain age and they are not as communicative as girls. Most guys do not express themselves or open up. Trust me. I am one that believes in therapy and communicating. Therapy and communication is a personal journey for each individual. The nicest thing my son did for me was texting me and saying that he appreciated every sacrifice that I made for him and his sisters. He said I was the goat 😉 and his queen. That meant the world to me.
What do I want or wish most for your kids? I would want all my children to be happy. I know it sounds clique’, but it’s the truth. I want them to be surrounded by people that love and support them. It can be family or friends that become family.
All of my children are special and unique in their own way. If traveling around the world makes one happy, travel. If finding the perfect job for you makes you happy, go find it. If being a stay at home mother makes you happy, stay at home with my sweet grand baby.
I want them to be at peace with whatever decision makes her/him happy. I do not want them to live life with regrets. Life will have its ups and downs. I want them to embrace every mistake they make. The things that I have experienced in life made me stronger. I no longer look at things as failures. I say that life is either a lesson or a blessing. I want them to think the same. I want them to live life with no regrets.
I was not the traditional domestic mother. I was focused on my career. My children didn’t wake up to hot breakfast in the morning. A lot of times, the dinners were fast food. Some of that was due to the children’s extracirrulicar activities, and some of it was due to me not liking to cook.
I grew up with a working mother. She and my father had eight children. She had to work. My mom worked for the City of Tupelo for thirty years. She made a name for herself. One that makes me proud to be her daughter. I wanted to emulate the same thing. I wanted to climb the corporate ladder at the bank. By trying to climb that corporate ladder, it made to where there were moments that I missed with my children. I was out volunteering. I wanted to be seen that I was worthy of promotion.
Eventually, I was promoted several times throughout the years. At one point, I was a branch manager. Promotion, volunteering, and trying to climb the corporate ladder came with sacrifices. I wasn’t always the happiest person to be around. Before I started therapy, I took a lot of things out on my children. Working in corporate America (bank in the South), it was more acceptable for White males to be in leadership. Here I was a younger Black woman in management. It was not accepted by a lot of customers and even some coworkers. I brought my frustrations and anger home. I did a lot of yelling at my children. I wish that I was doing therapy then. I didn’t start therapy until May 2012. Often times, I wonder if I had therapy what kind of mother would I be. I wonder how the divorce would have gone. I can’t dwell on the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. Instead, I focus on what we have now. I’m thankful for the relationship that I have my three adult children. We can have honest and tough conversations. They can ask me anything, and I will give them a honest answer.
Sooo this question is the hardest question of them all. The writer and English teacher in me, I can’t just say one thing. ☺️😂 I know that one day I will no longer be here on earth with my children. When they think of me, I want them to smile and be happy. I want them to remember the sacrifices I made. I want them to remember my love for the beach. I want them to remember my love for sunrises and sunsets. I want them to remember my love of traveling. I want them to remember my love my reading, writing, and photography. I want them to remember that therapy and God helped me to become a healed woman. I want them to know that I always tried my best. Lastly, I want them to know that there are not enough words in the dictionary to express my love for them. They are and will be forever my babies. 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
Beyonce’ sings, “who runs the world? Girls?” Women, really, do run the world. Often times, we are overlooked, overworked, overwhelmed, unappreciated, and underpaid. We are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, nieces, cousins, grandmothers, bosses, entrepreneurs, and much more. Each of these roles have different meanings for every woman. March is recognized as Women’s History Month. This blog goes out to all the women of the world. 🌎
My mom, sisters, and I
There never seems to be enough time in the day to get it all done. It doesn’t matter how early we wake up; it is something that wasn’t done during the 24 hours. The demands and expectations of women are exhausting. Society expects us to be “Superwoman.” Some will say, she needs to cook breakfast for her children before she goes to work. Others say, if she is a mother that gives them the pop tart or something quick, she’s criticized for not providing her children with a hot meal. If she returns to work after having a newborn, some people in society make her feel bad for returning. If she stays at home, some in society “assume” that she is not doing anything because she is a stay at home mom. The criticism doesn’t end, and women are trying to live up to the expectations of people that don’t even matter in their lives.
If the children are involved in after school activities, the day doesn’t end. She has to pick up her child/children from school or after school location. Then, they are in route to the activity. After the activity, they arrive home. Sometimes, there is homework to still be done, baths to be given, and meal to still be prepared. Regardless, if she is a stay at home mother or in the work environment, what time has she spent for herself? To answer the question, it leaves very little time.
Men don’t mind playing golf, shooting basketball, going fishing, getting haircuts, playing flag football, or going to the cigar lounge with their friends and leaving their family at home. It is women that think that we have to do everything with our children (getting groceries, going shopping, going to the salon, etc). Why do we think that we can’t do the same as men? A lot of it is because of what society has taught us or the way we were raised (our culture and environment). We have a feeling of guilt when we have alone time, but women need to have alone time as well.
It is important to have alone time. Alone time can be getting a massage, a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, going to the movies, going to the library, going to see your therapist, reading a book, journaling, or whatever makes you happy. Alone time increases mental strength, creates happiness, and helps you get to know yourself better. https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2017/08/05/7-science-backed-reasons-you-should-spend-more-time-alone/?sh=69d8e06c1b7e . Leaving little time for yourself is the complete opposite. Having little time for oneself could lead to a feeling of being burnt out, anxiety, and depression.
Going to the movies is one of my favorite relaxation activities is going to the movies.
Women are walking around with anxiety/depression and don’t even know it. Some of the symptoms are sleep disturbances, sadness, changes in appetite, lack of energy, or mood swings. There are many more. Statistics show that women are twice as likely to experience anxiety or depression then men. Without help from a therapist/psychologist and even at times with help from a licensed individual, depression can last weeks, months, or years. Typically, the signs of depression are ignored because women feel that is an effect from the day to day living. In actuality, it is much more than cause and effect of daily living. https://www.psycom.net/depression/depression-in-women.
As women, we have to come to the realization that we can’t do it all. We look at our grandmothers and think that she did it with no problems. We look at our mothers and think she did it with no problems. We say to ourselves, ” if they did, I can too. I don’t have to have help. If I ask for help, I will be looked at as weak. Aren’t women supposed to be able to do it all?” What we may not know is that grandma and momma might have been exhausted and cried at night when she was alone to herself. This is why having a village is important. I don’t care if you are a single mom, married woman, married with children, divorced, or divorced with children. We all need a village.
My grandmother and I…. I miss her everyday. 🥹
For me, my village is my children, my parents, siblings, my therapist, some family and friends that I can’t imagine not having in my life. Some people aren’t blessed to have relationships with their children, parents, siblings, certain family members, or friends. Who is your village?
My parents, siblings, and I
Your village is people that you can depend on to take the kids to soccer practice. Your village is people that will take kids to gymnastics. Your village is people that you can depend on when you need a listening ear. Your village is people that will not judge when you say I am weak. Your village is people that will help you and take your kids to the movies when need a break. Your village is people that you can go to the Mexican restaurant, laugh all night, and have some margaritas to unwind. Your village is people that will pray with you when you can’t seem to pray for yourself. Your village is your support when you have distanced yourself because you are depressed but don’t know it. Your village is people that check on you when they notice you aren’t yourself lately. Your village is people that never give up on you even though you say you are ok. Your village is people that it is ok to ask for help.
As women, we need to remove the stigma that we have to do it alone. Just because you ask for help, it doesn’t make you weak. In actuality, it makes you strong because you are taking care of yourself. It’s perfectly ok to have alone time to yourself and not feel bad about it. This is why it is important to identify your village.
Even though my children are grown, I can contact my village and have them to pray for my children. My village will pray for me. My village will text me when I am feeling sad and put that smile on my face. My village will FaceTime me and say I haven’t seen your face lately. My village will let me send them “book” text messages and read it in its entirety. My village will allow me to be vulnerable when I have worn a smile on my face all day long.
My children when they were small. 💛💛💛
To my village, thank you. I can’t do life without you! You are appreciated!!!!!
With tears in my eyes, this was my last day living in MS.
Sometimes, we sing songs without them having a personal meaning. We sing it because we heard it on the radio, at home, or in the church. Young teenage me led a gospel song in my church’s young adult choir. It is called “New Life.” I led the song because I was told to lead it by my choir director, who happened to be my mom. ☺️ With my recent move, I was talking to one of my friends. She said “Carman, do you remember the song you sang growing up, Brand New Life?” I said yea. She said that’s what you’re living.” Later on that day and several moments since then, I have reflected on the words of the song. Now, “New Life” has a more personal meaning for the grown up me.
Verse one says “I moved from my old house. I moved from my old friends. I moved from my old way of strife. Thank God, I moved out to a brand new life.” Verse two says “He changed my old way with words. He changed my old leveled mind. He changed my heart and gave me new start. Thank God, I moved out to a brand new life.” Bridge.. “Can’t you see I’m a new man. Don’t you know I got a new name. And one day, I’ll live in a brand new land.” She ends it with saying. “I got a new walk. I got a new talk. I got a new look. I got a new name. I got a new heart. I got a new mind. I got a new home, and a new start is going my way. Yes, it is. Because I moved out to a brand new life.”
July 31, 2022, my first day in Florida
The lyrics are talking about how God changed the person’s heart from a sinner to now a believer in Christ. I thought about the words in a literal sense for what is going on in my life for the year of 2022 and the beginning of 2023. I can say that I truly appreciate the words to the song even more.
Often times when we reflect back in life, we ask ourselves the question if we saw ourselves doing a particular thing a year ago. I wouldn’t even have to go back a year. I can say if someone asked me these questions six months ago that my answers would not have been yes. If someone asked me, Carman, do you think you’d live in another state? I would have said no. If someone asked me if I was going to teaching English for over 125 middle school students, I would have quickly said heck no. Never in my life, I would not have seen myself doing either of them. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.” I am trusting in His plan more and more each day.
This summer when I drove to do Florida to do my preliminary paperwork.
After being in banking for 25 years, it was harder learning something totally different. I had to shift my brain from bank customers to students. I had to learn new things.Banking has federal regulation that employees have to abide by each day. Teachers have state and federal regulations and laws too.
My last day at the bank. (Headed to work, last selfie, my goodbye) ✌🏾✌🏾
When I was reading or hearing a coworker speak of 504 plans, ESE, ESL, those things were like listening and learning a foreign language. All of them have certain things that the teachers must do in order to make sure the appropriate student is being treated fairly and ensuring the right accommodation/s are made in order for the student to be successful in the classroom. Initially, I was becoming frustrated because it was taking me longer to catch on. I prayed and gave myself a pep talk. I told myself that I deserved grace. I didn’t know banking the first day I began. It took time to learn those things. Why was I so hard on myself to learn benchmarks, IEP’s, and what a 504 accommodations in a week or even a month? As each day arrives, I learn a little more each day. As each day arrives, that light inside my brain clicks each day. As each day arrives, my understanding develops more and more.
First day of school, August 10, 2022
Even in the short time that I have been teaching, God has blessed me. The school district had a voluntary writing contest about Dr. Martin Luther King. I’d told all my students about it and encouraged them to write. If you have or know 7th grade children, they don’t want to do anything that’s not mandatory. A couple of days before the deadline, the principal asked all teachers (not just the English department) to ask our students again if they would consider participating in the contest. Our school had won in the past, but how could we win again if we didn’t have anything to submit in middle school division? I have two advanced classes and some strong writers in one of my regular class. I asked all my students again and pleaded with those three classes. Out of more than 125+ students, I had two that submitted essays.
Picture from Readers Digest
All submissions were to be printed and turned in to the central office on October 31 by 11:00 am. That morning, we experienced technical issues. My students were trying to email me their essays for me to print. They didn’t have me until 6th period. 6th period doesn’t begin until after 1:00 pm. We were trying to meet the deadline. They were going from teacher to teacher to get it to email with the attachment or have the teacher to go ahead and print it. Neither option was working. We were down to almost the last hour. Finally, it went through to one of the front desk secretaries. She printed it off for the students and gave them to Dr. Leatherwood (school principal). Dr. Leatherwood made sure there would be no technical issues with the students meeting the deadline. She had them driven to the central office.
Dr Leatherwood (school principal) and I at award banquet for Rising Star Teacher
One morning, during 3rd period, I was sitting at my desk and received an email. The subject line said “Congratulations.” I opened it to read. One of my students won the written essay contest in the entire school district for the middle school division. Polk County is the the 7th largest school district in Florida with over 150 schools. I screamed inside the class. My students said “Ms Long. What is it?” I told them that one of my students won the essay. Immediately, I called the principal and asked her to check her email. She made an announcement over the school’s intercom letting the student body and staff know of the accomplishment.
Part of the program
There was a banquet with all winners from K-12. The attendees were all the winners and family (1st-3rd place from every division), teacher (of the student with overall winner of the particular division ), and principals (from the perspective student) were invited to attend. There were employees from the school district, the sheriff of Polk County and some of his staff, and other local politicians that were attendance with us. The winners from each division read their essays to the entire crowd. My student and I were recognized on stage and had our picture taken for the school’s website. This week, one of the local newspapers came to the school and interviewed the two students from our school that won the essay, their teachers, and our principal. It will be printed this week. The Lord continues to bless.
Martin Luther King award banquet
A few weeks after the Martin Luther King award, I received another email. I was selected as “Rising Star” for my school, Citrus Ridge: A Civics Academy. The award is for first year teachers that are making a difference in their school. The award is given by a national women organization, Delta Kappa Gamma. I am not the only first year teacher at Citrus Ridge, but I am very humble and ecstatic about being selected. There was a banquet for it as well. After the ceremony, several came to me and said that my story was inspiring. I take no credit. I give all the glory to God.
Photos from the Rising Star banquet
As other schools in the US, Florida has state testing at the end of the year. During the school year, Florida has the students do practice testing for preparation. Teachers and administrators are able to see if students are digressing, staying the same, or progressing. For the majority of my students, they are improving. It makes me happy to see that they are trying their best. That’s what I encourage them to do on a daily basis. I have four classroom rules. The last one says “believe in yourself.” I do not allow them to tell me that they can’t do it or allow them to put themselves down. I will tell them quickly to read rule number four.
My classroom rules
One of my students came to me on Friday. At the beginning of the school year, I could not get him to read or participate during class. Friday morning, he said “hey Ms. I studied for my test.” I said you did. I’m proud of you. Then, he asked when we were going to the library again because he had been reading at home for 30 minutes a day as I asked them to do. He was finished reading his book and needed another one. I told him it would not be until next week, but I had some on my book shelf that he could pick out. He grabbed a book about football. When he left my class, I began to cry. I know it seems minute, but it is really huge. A lot of the students are below reading level. This is not just for my school. It is all over the United States. If you look at statistics, you will see that America has a problem with literacy. https://www.crossrivertherapy.com/research/reading-statistics The thing is, he could have gotten two books when we last went to the library, but he only got one. Now, he has an excitement to go to the library and to check out two books. Yes. I was in tears because my prayers are being answered.
Before I stepped foot in the school, my prayer to God was that my classroom be a safe place. I prayed that the students know that they are loved. I prayed that I instill values in them. I prayed that they develop a passion to read and write. I know that I will not be able to have all 125+ on board, but I want as many as I can. As long as I am in the classroom, I will always give my best to the students. It is a learning process for me as well. I know together that we can do it.
This is what I want my students to say about me. Not because I’m cool but because I changed their lives and made a good
Let’s keep living Carman. The only way to go is up. I’m thankful for the opportunity for a new job. A new home. A new location. A new me. A new life. .. #blessup
The first minute is the same from part one but keep watching.
Domestic Violence Awareness Month might have ended in October, but it is an ongoing daily battle for women, men, and children. Statistics shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of physical abuse (examples beating, burning, strangulation). Also, statistics show that 1 out of 15 children will be exposed to domestic violence, and 90% of the children will actually witness the abuse. 20% death of intimate homicides weren’t the actual victims themselves, but the homicide victims were family, friends, law enforcement responders, bystanders, or neighbors that tried to intervene. https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS. Even though Tiffany wasn’t aware of the statistics, she was aware of what her family would do to her lover if they were aware of what was going on inside her home. For those reasons, she never told any of them what was happening inside her home for years and years. One day, her world would come tumbling down, and everything she tried to keep secret for the sake of being “perfect” would be exposed.
Abuse affects children as well. Tiffany recalls a time when Camden informed one of his elementary teachers about what was happening at their home. The principal had her to come to the school to talk about it. Tiffany denied the allegations because she wanted to protect the image of her boyfriend. Studies show that children living in an abusive home grow up as adults with certain issues (depression, alcoholism, obesity, tobacco use, unwanted pregnancies, and more). https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/children_and_dv.pdf. Tiffany had been in an abusive relationship with him for almost 8 years. Her children were about to enter high school. Their first day of school would be August 4th. Tiffany prayed to God for a way out. She told Him that she didn’t want to still be in the toxic relationship anymore.
On July 29th, Tiffany confronted her lover about a cash app card that came to their house. The name on the card said “my king.” During the length of their relationship, her lover had numerous affairs. This was the final straw for her. It meant her lover had brought the woman to their home. For Tiffany, it was the ultimate sign of disrespect. She decided to confront him about the card that arrived at the house. When he arrived home, he was angry. He was upset that she’d opened his mail. He began to choke her. On other occasions, Tiffany fought back. This time, it was no fight left in her. She made up in her mind that enough was enough. That day would be the day she would call the police. This was something she’d never done before. After he was done choking her, she hugged him. It was her final goodbye.
A few months after she left
When he went outside, she called 911. When the police arrived, he ran away. The police were not able to find him. Tiffany’s mother lived next door. Tiffany had to let her know why the police were at her home. For years, Tiffany keep the secret that she was being abused from her family and close friends. Even though Tiffany never mentioned anything to anyone about what was going on, her mom suspected something was happening because of the bruises on her arm. She never went around when she had busted lips. With her makeup skills, she was able to hide her blacked eyes. When her mom would ask her what happened, Tiffany made excuses, but her mom didn’t believe her. In order to protect her and her lover, Tiffany made a decision. Tiffany wanted to keep the appearance of “perfection.” In order to keep that look, she made the decision to keep herself and her children away. She and the children stopped going around her family. She knew that if the kids went alone that they might have been questioned by her family. As children, they would have told what was happening inside the home. She isolated them from their family. Tiffany knew that if her family knew what was going on that her lover would be in danger. Someone she loved might have been one of the homicide statistics. After making the call to 911, Tiffany was no longer able to hide anything from them.
As in many larger families, once you tell one person, the information keeps going down the line. ☺️ A few days later, Tiffany decided to inform her oldest brother what was going on. She wanted him to hear it from her. As she was on the phone with her brother, her lover came from behind the house. She was not expecting to see him. 60.8% of females and 43.5% of men have been stalked by current or former lovers. https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS. When she saw him, she screamed. Her lover grabbed the phone out of her hand and hung up the call. Her brother, that lives in New Jersey, began to freak out. It was nothing he could do to help being that far away. The only thing he could do was call their mom and tell what happened. Her brother didn’t know if her lover had taken her away or what. As Tiffany recalls the incident, tears form in her eyes. Her children heard her screaming, but they were afraid to open the door. They didn’t know what was going to happen if they’d opened the door. The police arrived, but he ran off again. What Tiffany suspected about her siblings was right. When she told her siblings what occurred, they wanted to retaliate and do bodily harm to him. She didn’t want them to do that because they had families on their own. Therefore, she told them not to do anything.
Tiffany and Chloe and Camden
I asked her why did she stay in the relationship for the eight years and endure all that she had. It was because of the love she had for him. If she had him to leave or made him leave, “she would have let him come back.” Tiffany said that God had to harden her heart because “when it was over, it was over.” That was the end of their relationship. Tiffany did not take him back.
Tiffany with her brothers
Tiffany said that being in an abusive relationship is a generational thing. Her grandmother went through it. Her mother went through it. She went through it. Studies have shown that children that witness abuse in some fashion are likely to repeat the same pattern. They are either victims or the abusers. https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/children_and_dv.pdf. Tiffany wants to break the cycle in order for her children. She does not want them to endure an abusive relationship. She asks them all the time “are they mad at her for staying so long.”They said “no momma. We’re not mad at you. You did what you had to do.” Tiffany said even though she went through a lot that “they went through a lot too.”
Tiffany and her siblings
I asked her what things she was doing in order to make sure they don’t repeat the cycle. Did they have counseling or etc? They haven’t been to counseling, but Tiffany has open and candid conversations with her children. Tiffany said she was raised not to talk about her feelings. Her family is well known around the community. Therefore, it was forbidden to discuss anything that goes on in your home. It was important to keep up the “facade as being perfect Christian people.” Tiffany said life is not perfect. She said that (keeping secrets) is not the way she and her generation are raising their children. They made a choice not to be like the older generations of their family. If something is bothering them, they will talk about it. Tiffany said she has told her children that “she has nothing to hide. There is nothing that anyone can come to you about me that I haven’t already told you. I am an open book. God seems who I am. I’m not perfect.” She is vocal to her children about what happened to her and apologized to them for putting them through it. This is the first time that she is she vocal to the world about her experience. She wants to help someone that might be going through the same thing to not endure it any longer. She wants she/he to get help.
Tiffany and siblings
Regardless of the topic, I always ask the person I’m interviewing what advice would you give someone that is dealing with what the same situation. Tiffany says, “to anyone (male or female), you have to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Love is not supposed to hurt. It’s not someone putting their hands on your physically. Mentally abusing you. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. If you are going through it, prayer will work, but talk to someone. Don’t hide it. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Get out. Get out now!”
Two of Tiffany’s sisters
As Tiffany reflects on having gone through this traumatic experience, it helped her realize that she does not have to “be perfect.” In her mind, she has struggled with thinking that she has to look a certain way to be accepted by family, friends, and lovers. She began wearing a full face of makeup at 16. That’s why she was good at hiding the black eyes that her ex placed on her. She is able to put on makeup with perfection.
All her life, Tiffany said she was more of a bigger girl. She was considered “fat.” She was told by family members that she needed to lose weight. When she left the house, Tiffany would wear three girdles in order to have the “perfect shape.” Even though she didn’t want to do these things (wear a full face of makeup or wear girdles), she did it for approval. Tiffany knows that seeking love and approval from her ex is another reason that she endured the relationship as long as she did with him. It wasn’t until last year that she felt comfortable in her body and to love her shape. If that man can not accept her body for what it, he can get the deuces.
She is still a work in progress. She is still working on not having a full face of makeup each time that she goes out. One day, Tiffany said she is going to be all natural. It will take all her courage to walk out of her front door without any makeup, without a wig, or without lashes. Now, Chloe is 16. She has told Chloe that is ok not to have a desire to wear makeup. All Chloe wants to wear is eyeliner, and Tiffany loves the fact that her daughter is comfortable in her natural beauty. She loves the fact that she knows that she doesn’t have to look “perfect” for the approval of people because being “perfect” almost got her killed.
I want you to think for a moment. I want you to reflect on the last time you were in a room with at least 20 or more people. For every minute, at least 20 people are physically abused. Keep reflecting. Out of that 20, 1 out of the 3 are women have experienced physical violence from their partner. 72% of murder-suicide are by people in relationships. Sadly, 94% of those murder victims are women. Even if it were a man, it would still be sad. https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS These heart breaking statistics go on and on.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, dial 211 for help.
I had the honor and privilege of interviewing someone I love, Tiffany Shaw, for the month of October (Domestic Violence Awareness Month). She thought that her prayers would changed her lover. Would it change him, or would she be the one changed? Here is Tiffany’s story.
Tiffany’s occupation is a caregiver. She loves helping people. Her words were “it is a blessing and a cursing”. She and her lover were childhood sweethearts. After reuniting on Facebook, they started back dating. In the beginning, things were good, but “things quickly changed.” Tiffany said there were signs in the beginning, but she ignored them. I asked her what were some of the signs he displayed. Initially, it was anger. She felt that she could pray the bad behavior away. If she prayed, she thought it would turn him to become a better man.
Tiffany was confused by the change in his behavior because he’d never acted that way. He began to question her about her past relationships. Whenever she answered him, he became upset. She felt if was from his insecurities and jealousy. It did not take long before the behavior escalated to physical abuse. Tiffany remembers the first time he put his hands on her. Just as before, he asked her about one of her previous relationships. He got upset and started choking her. He apologized, and she accepted it. She said it would be the “first of many times that it happened.”
The manipulation and toxic love continued. He called her ugly, whore, dumb, slow, and told her she acted like an old woman. He used the words “if you love me, you wouldn’t leave me. If you leave, you are doing the same as others.” For Tiffany, she had a point to prove. She wanted to prove to him and herself that she was better than the other women that had been in his life. She was in it, committed to the relationship, and committed to him. He used the words “you made me do this.” Tiffany began to believe all the words he spoke to her. She thought, maybe, she shouldn’t have confronted him about his cheating. She said he was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Tiffany said if a person were to see him in person the person wouldn’t believe the things he did to her behind closed doors.
Even with the toxic love, she accepted his behavior. She accepted his cheating. Because of the death of her father at an early age, Tiffany desired and longed for the love of a man. He did certain things for her children. Tiffany has a set of twins from a previous relationship (Chloe and Camden). She was convinced this man was the one. She felt this was the love from a man that she was missing in her life.
Tiffany as an infant
I asked Tiffany to recall one of the worst incidents. She had no problem recalling that horrible day. They’d gone to the convenience store. Tiffany didn’t want to go inside, but he had her to go in to buy the items he wanted. To keep down confusion or a possible argument, she went inside. As she was in line to check out, there was a man in the line behind her. He told her she had something on her back. Politely, the man took it off for her shirt. When she got back to the car, her ex asked her why the man touched her butt. She told him the man did no such thing. Immediately, he punched her in the mouth. Tiffany was shocked because he’d never physically abused her in public before. At home, she’d already been choked. She’d already been punched in the eye. Now, his anger was escalating.
Her lip was swollen very badly. She had no choice but to go to the emergency room to get it seen about. As most domestic violence victims, she took up for him and denied what happened to cause her to have a swollen lip. She told the hospital that she and her son were trying to catch the dog. He jumped, and his head hit her lip. She was embarrassed and didn’t want to go home. She would have to face her children. He’d hit her before. Usually, it was places that couldn’t be seen. Once, he hit her in the eye. She was able to cover up all the other bruises with makeup. There was no makeup to cover a busted lip.
When she arrived home from the emergency room, 11 year old Camden was outside waiting on her. The lies continued. Tiffany told them she had an accident. Her children had never seen him actually hit her, but they heard the arguments. They did not believe what she said. They knew what she said wasn’t true.
Camden at a younger age
The thing is that he would never hit her while her children were around. One day, he didn’t know they were home. Earlier that day, Tiffany checked the mailed. Inside, there was a cash app card. The name on the card said “my king.” Tiffany was furious. She said it meant that the other woman knew where they lived, and it was a sign of total disrespect.Tiffany called him and confronted him. When he arrived home, he was furious for being confronted. He began to yell and attack her. When she asked him was he going to continue to do this with the kids being upstairs, he immediately stopped. She went upstairs to check on her children. Instead, the twins asked her how she was. She put on a pretend face and said she was ok. Her son told her that her behavior scared him. He’d heard them arguing. Yet, she walked upstairs and acted like nothing happened. He said he was scared that his mom would do something to her lover. She knew her son was right. She knew that she had to get out of it. She didn’t want to be killed, and she didn’t want to kill him.
At this point, Tiffany had begun to fight him back. When she fought him back, the licks were worse. Months passed, and the fighting continued, Tiffany didn’t want her children to continue to be exposed to this behavior.In order to protect them, Tiffany had the twins to move in with her mom next door.
Chloe at a younger age
When Camden spoke those words to her, it was an eye opening moment. She had been with this man from the time they were in second grade. When that particular incident happened, they were in eight grade. Tiffany said that she didn’t want her children to go to high school and her still being in that situation. This is when her prayers began to change. Her prayer went from her asking God to help her change this man. Instead, her new prayers to God was that she needed him gone by August 4 (when school started).
She asked him about ANOTHER woman. He got upset and went outside to leave the house. When he went outside, his tire was on flat. He came back in. He said to her. “You know what. I’m so sick of you. I hate you. Everyday that I’m with you, I get weaker and weaker. You don’t think of nobody but you and your dumb ass kids. I hate I even came down here.” (After they reconnected, he’d moved from Memphis to live with her.) Tiffany didn’t even argue back with him. He was upset that she didn’t. He got up and started choking her. This time, she had no fight left in her. She felt “nothing.” In her mind, she knew she was going to call 911. This was something she’d never done before. Tiffany knew that she had to be smart about it to make sure she was safe. She apologized and said she was sorry. She hugged him, and that solidified her goodbye. When he left, she did call 911. Would he ask for forgiveness? Would she forgive him as she had done previously in the past? Would he change? Would she take him back?
When my father and I crossed the Florida state line
July 31rst, I left Mississippi and moved to Florida. The nickname for the state of Florida is the Sunshine State, but it’s not always sunshine. Typically, it rains about 4 times a week, and the weather is always unpredictable. It can be sunny one minute. The next minute, it is raining. Unfortunately, Florida is also known for hurricanes. This week, I survived my first one, Hurricane Ian.
My sentiments exactly
Friday morning, I was in the airport headed to North Carolina, and I received an automated call from our school district. It said that the school was preparing for the incoming hurricane, and they would keep us posted on school closing. I was oblivious to the fact that it was one was brewing in the ocean. Truthfully, at that moment, I didn’t care. My only concern was getting to my grandson and meeting him for the first time.
After being in the airport from 7:00 am to 4:00 pm, I was all smiles. It was only one airline that had a flight going to North Carolina.
On the way back home Monday, I received a text from my principal and friends. My principal wanted to see where I was. I told her I was about to board the plane in a few minutes. She informed me that school was being canceled the next two days due to Hurricane Ian. On the way there, my flight was canceled without any notice. I had to find another airline to get to NC. With what transpired on Friday morning, I was worried about the returning flight being delayed or canceled due to the impending weather. Thankfully, it wasn’t. I made it home safely, and the first stop was to Wal-Mart. I purchased some nonperishable food items in case the power went out. I said if it doesn’t go out that I can always take what I bought to school for lunch. I tried to purchase a flashlight and batteries, but they were sold out. I went back Tuesday morning to see if the flashlights were restocked, but they were still out. On my way out the door, I saw one of the battery powered fans. I bought one of those in case the power went out. I didn’t get what I anticipated, but I still got something else to prepare for the storm.
The late arrival was worth it all. I was able to spoil my first grandchild.
Tuesday night, the weather forecast was saying that it would hit central Florida, but Tuesday wasn’t bad. It was rain and wind. As I said earlier, it rains all the time. It wasn’t much different. Wednesday came, but this time was a different rain and wind. I was watching a tv episode on my laptop when the lights went out. I was a little after 4:30. I said it’s beginning. I reached out to my brother and father because they live in Florida as well. Their power was still on. In my mind, I said theirs will probably go out later. I was on the phone with Juan telling him about my power outage. It was weird. In the living room, the light about the stove was working, but everything else in the living room/kitchen area did not work. I went in the bedroom and bathroom. The bathroom light was on, but the sockets didn’t work. Juan suggest that I flip the breaker. I did. When I did that, all power in the living room and kitchen was gone. Yet, the light remained on the bathroom, but my sockets in the bedroom now worked. I decided to charge my phone and laptop because I didn’t know how long the power would be out. Even though it was weird, I didn’t question it. I said thank You God for allowing what is working to work.
My battery powered fan. I didn’t go to Walmart for it, but God put it in my path. He knew I’d need it.
During the night, things got really bad. I am not sure how fast the wind was blowing, but it was very loud. The rain was pouring hard. Occasionally, I would wake up because of the sound of debris hitting my window. I said I know it is going to look bad in the morning. I would say a prayer and go back to sleep.
One of my moments when I woke up during the middle of the night because of debris hitting the window
Thursday morning, the heavy rain and strong winds continued. Juan and my dad still had power. They laughed at me. They said that I was wishing them bad luck. Juan said he’d prayed about the storm. Well, I had too, but I didn’t have any power. I said my dad is closer to the coast, where you’d assume that he’d be hit by the hurricane. Nope. Hurricane Ian ran its path in Central Florida. It came to me.
This is how the wind was blowing the tree limbs.
With me having no power, I had to be strategic on being on my phone. I didn’t want my battery to run down quickly. I wasn’t going outside in the rain to only get soaked to charge it in truck. I did the best that I could have done for my soul. That was talk to Jesus in prayer.
This is what I spoke to God. 🙌🏾
Mentally, I had no clue on how to prepare for the hurricane. It was my first one. On Monday night, questions were running through my mind. How bad will it be? What is going to happen? Will I lose power? They didn’t tell us to evacuate, but I didn’t take it lightly. Hurricanes are a serious matter. They come in and wreak havoc in our lives. There is flooding. There is damage to homes. Power outages can last for days and weeks. Sadly, people have lost lives. The same way as the hurricane, spiritual storms storms come in our lives. The devil wants to wreak havoc and have us to lose faith in God.
Water coming in from outside.
Back to Thursday morning, I laughed and said God I’ve only been here barely two months. I’m experiencing my first hurricane. Truthfully, I was feeling some kind of way having no power. God began to speak to me. He had me to look out the window. He said you see the storm outside. I said I do God. Look at it. From where you are sitting, it looks disastrous. The wind is very strong and blowing things all around. The rain is pouring heavy. It doesn’t look safe. Limbs are down. Lights are out. Devastation is all around. Now, I want you to look at you. You are sitting inside your apartment. You are focusing on what is going on outside instead of what you have going on in here. You might not have power, but you have a place to lay your head tonight. It might be raining outside, but are you wet? You might not be able to cook on your stove, but you have food. You might have some water coming in under the door and your air conditioner, but have you lost any of your belongings? You might not be able to be on your phone as much as you want, but you can. There is a huge tree that has fallen in the apartment complex, but did anything happen to your vehicle? You are home sitting in the dark, but are you losing pay? Carman, things might not always be what you want them to be, but I have never left your side. I haven’t left you alone. I am the Lord, Your Father, Your God. All I could do was cry.
When the power was restored
Situations are going to happen in life, and we don’t know the exact moment they are coming. The Bible tells us that they are coming. We just don’t know when. John 16:33 says “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” As I’d gone to Walmart to prepare for Hurricane Ian, it is imperative for us to stay in the word of God to prepare for the next spiritual storm that will happen in our lives.
I can’t speak for anyone else. I can only speak for myself. Often times, when I have gone through these storms, I am crying and asking God why. Why do I have to go through this? I’m looking at others and saying why isn’t it happening to them (one example was wondering why my brother and dad weren’t experiencing what I was experiencing). Why does my truck engine have to go out on me? Why did I have to have a bitter divorce? Why did I have to go through lies on my job? Why did I have to have surgery on my shoulder? Why did the loan go bad on the one I co-signed, and I did it with a good heart? I’m constantly pleading and asking God for direction and answers. I can say that EVERY spiritual storm that has happened in my life that God has given me strength to endure. It was dark in my city for almost 30 hours. I had no clue when the power would be restored. Those spiritual storms were dark moments in my life too. I wondered how long will this particular storm last. Oh but God. He never left me. Sometimes, He will send a ram in the bush. Thursday afternoon, my food began to thaw in my freezer. I called a friend. She told me to bring it to her. Here I was freaking out because I didn’t want to have to repurchase food. I didn’t lose a thing. If I had lost the food, I know that He would have provided. Everything that I thought I lost during the spiritual storms, God restored. When He restores, it is always better than what it was before.
Linemen from different states coming to rescue us in Florida
School was dismissed from Tuesday through Friday. I received calls and text from friends, family, and loved ones from all around checking to make sure I was ok. They were greatly appreciated. Initially, when asked how I was, I would complain and say that I have no power. After the revelation on Thursday morning, I changed my words and said I am blessed. I wasn’t expecting to experience a hurricane this quick moving to Florida, but it was a great learning experience. This morning, I opened my door to sunshine. If you were visiting the city, you would not have known what was going on only a few hours beforehand.
First selfie after the storm ⛈ 🌀🌀
During this week, God and I have had some deep conversations. I am thankful for this time alone with Him. He continues to restore my faith. There was no way in the world that one light and one only socket works (in two separate rooms) when everything else in the apartment didn’t. That was God looking out for me. He showed me to quit focusing on what is going on around me. It might look dark, but greater is He that in me than he that is in the world. I will have more trials and tribulations. When I do, I need to stay in His face. As quickly as Hurricane Ian came and left, that’s the same way the storms will leave in our lives. Storms will not last forever. We just have to make sure we survive and stay focused on the One that will keep us in the midst of our storms.
Here is the YouTube video if you don’t want to read the blog.
In the African American culture, we are taught to get a good job. If you get that good job, you stick with it. We are taught to work hard. We use that saying ” God won’t put more on you than you can bear. Pray about it. He’ll give you strength. You are getting paid good money with good benefits. Even when hard things come, it’s ok. God blessed you with it. You better be thankful. You don’t quit because someone else would love to have that job.” For twenty two years, that’s exactly what I did.
Last bank selfie (July 14, 2022)
I was taught to give my best at whatever I did. I went to work and always gave it 100%. Was I perfect employee? No. I made mistakes, but I learned from mistakes. I didn’t repeat that mistake again. Prior to my current job, I worked at another financial institution for almost three years and the last one for a little over twenty-two years. I loved what I did and loved my customers. I loved working with customers and helping them repair credit. I enjoyed going to the classrooms and educating children about banking. I loved volunteering and being a part of the community. My last years of employment were no longer a pleasure going to work each day. I had people that began to lie. I would say pull the cameras or let’s have a joint discussion. Those request never happened. Things are different in corporate America. A lot of times, management will identify a strong African American woman that speaks up for herself as defiant. If a man does it, that man is a leader. My request were always ignored. Management said why would this person lie on you .People have been lying on people since the days of Jesus. Folks lie on innocent people every single day. Innocent people are in jail for someone lies because they didn’t want the blame to be on them. If a person wants to get to the truth, he/she can, but the truth has to want to be sought. I had a former manager that was worried about staff not liking him. I remember saying to him that people didn’t like Jesus. Everyone wasn’t going to like him. Who was I to think that they wouldn’t lie on me?
I continued to accept the behavior because of the things I’d been taught. It was a good job. I’d been there a long time. I was making good money. I had seniority when it came to taking vacations. I had great benefits. I put up with toxicity longer that what I should have for those reasons. The write ups were becoming more frequent, and the accusations became worse. There were plenty of chances and reason that I should have left, but I was complacent. Things would get good again. I’d forget about the bad things/lies being told until it happened again. I’d become accustomed to toxicity. I feel that God had to allow things to get extremely bad and to that point in order for Him to get my attention to want to leave. If things hadn’t gotten to that point, I would have continued to stay because I wanted to prove that I was no “quitter.”
My celebration photo shoot selfie
November 2021, I submitted an internal application. That was my first time applying for anything different because I truly loved what I did. I didn’t get the job. At the first of the year, I began to apply in the Southaven/Memphis area at other financial institutions. I applied for over twenty different positions. Some institutions had four rounds of interviews. I would make it to the last interview, but I wasn’t getting the jobs. I knew that with almost twenty five of years of banking experience I was qualified. I’d even make it to be the last two candidates. I got discouraged and stopped applying. I was tired of being told no. I prayed to God and asked for Him to give me peace.
Last day at the bank
He gave me peace, but it wasn’t the way I expected. Last year, I was having excruciating pain in my shoulder I’d been going to physical therapy for quite some time. I’d received three cortisone shots in my shoulder. My doctor said that I need to have a MRI. It wasn’t good that my shoulder wasn’t healing. The MRI revealed a tear. May 24, 2022, I had shoulder surgery and was off work. It was going to be at least six weeks. I dreaded having the surgery, but I needed a mental break. He gave me the peace that I’d asked for in prayer. When you pray, be specific. ☺️
June 5 (Nashville, Tennessee)
As it was getting closer time for me to return to work, I told God that I wanted Him to open a door for me. I needed a fresh start. I really wanted to move to another area to work. One day during prayer, God spoke to me clearly and said “teach.” It wasn’t shocking because I have family that are educators. I was totally at peace with it. Another reason was conversations that I’d had with my therapist and friends. In one of my therapy sessions, Sandy told me if you can’t change the world you’re in. You change your world. Some dear friends and my daughter told my that I should think about a career change. I said nawww. I like banking. A few days before God spoke to me, one of my long time friends changed careers. She made a Facebook post and said who’s to say that you can’t change careers after 40. When God spoke to me that day, I said God. You were trying to tell me then, but I wasn’t listening. I had to have this surgery for You to clear my mind and speak to me. Once I said yes to Him, He began opening doors and lining everything up in His will. I understood why I was getting those no’s on all those banking applications. Jeremiah 29:11 says I know the plans I have for you.” Those bank jobs weren’t the plans He had for me.
I knew I wanted to teach English. With my degree not being in education, I would have to do the alternate route. God begin to places names of people I knew in education. He, only, allowed me to speak about the transitioning to certain people. It wasn’t something that I wanted to get around the bank that I was job searching. He gave me the names of four individuals that I used for references that would keep everything confidential. I began applying for jobs (permanent substitute) in Tupelo Public School District. I even had an interview for it. One of my friends told me about Florida needing teachers and how the pay worked. I decided to apply.
The Facebook post from the school
I was supposed to return from FMLA the first week of July, but my return doctor’s follow up appointment was changed. I went to pick up my paperwork and inquired about when my appointment was with the nurse practitioner. I’d missed her phone calls due to physical therapy. I assumed they were courtesy calls. With me missing the calls, I had to get a later appointment. That day, I was in tears. I said God. I didn’t ask for my appointment to be changed. The bank is going to think I am faking. This is another entire three weeks before I go back to work. My short term disability hasn’t been approved. What am I going to do? I was frantic. I didn’t know what God had in store for me. Again, His will was not my will. Later, I realized why the changed occurred. With my appointment being changed, it allowed me to drive to Florida to get my drug test, finger printing done, and other paperwork for the school district.
Headed home. Taken at a Florida rest stop
I was offered the job. I had all kinds of emotions running through my mind. The first call I made was to my children. I got them on a four way call. I told them about the job offer. They told me to take it. They said I needed this for me. They were correct. I NEVER in my life thought I’d move. I love to travel, but I assumed that I’d live in Mississippi all my life. I’d encouraged my children to move when they graduated if that’s what they desired. I was hesitant to take the job because I’d never left home. I am forty five and never lived alone. I had my oldest daughter at eighteen. When I graduated from high school, I commuted back and forth to Oxford for two years. Then, my ex-husband, and I got married. We were married for almost twelve years. After we got divorced, I moved in with my parents. It was scary to think about relocating and leaving my mom, family, and friends behind. My children were right. I needed to do this for me. I accepted the job, and everything moved fast. I went to work on July 14th, and I quit later that day. It was an immediate weight lifted off my shoulders. If you have ever been mentally drained about anything, you know the feeling of exhilaration when you let it go. This only gave me about two and half weeks to get everything to leave. I found an apartment. It is in a great part of town. It’s only 8 miles away from the school. My dad agreed to drive my things to Florida in the Uhaul. This was all a blessing.
At the school district’s central office
When the school made it official, I made a post on my social media pages. One of my former coworkers shared the post. The ironic thing is that I used to be her after school camp leader when she was in elementary school. That day, God brought to my remembrance all the jobs that I’d held. My first jobs were babysitting for families. When I was a teenager, my first job was with the City of Tupelo as an after school counselor. As stated previously, I went to the schools and taught about financial literacy. I was a Sunday school teacher for years at church. I was a mentor at THS when they had their mentorship program (troubled youth and teenage pregnancy). I served as board member for AEE (Association for Educational Excellence) for several years. It awarded grants to teachers to do innovative things in their classroom. After my time was served, I continued to read the grants each year. God said you might have gone about teaching in a different way of getting here, but you are now walking in your purpose. This is what you were called to do. All I could do was cry and thank Him.
My classroom rules
Even though this transition (new state, new career, and move) was scary, it was one of the best things I have done for myself in my life. For over half of my life, all I’ve known was banking. I had to redirect my thinking to learn something new. School began on August 4th. If you have seen my stories on social media, you will hear me say the students referring to me as “Ms Long.” That’s because on my birthday, in June, I did two things for me. One was changing my last name back to Long. I have had three different lawyers from the time of my divorce up to now. I didn’t know to ask the previous two, but I would have assumed that they would ask. It wasn’t as if I had ever been divorced before. I didn’t know to specifically ask for the request. With my last attorney, I made sure I asked him to place it in the working for me to go back to Carman T Long. It wasn’t finalized in my paperwork until November 2020. If you know me, I’m taking trips. I had one three different international trips. I couldn’t change my passport. I had my last one for this year in February. I wanted to do something special and memorable for me on my birthday this year.
My sun tattoo. I love having tattoos and not being judged by the type of job I have. A person with tattoos can still be professional!!!!!
The second thing for me for my birthday was getting a sun tattoo. The sun tattoo is symbolic to me. It represents my personality and starting over. I had no idea in June that my life would be starting a new chapter in life a month later. After you have been in a season of rain, you are happy for the sun to come out. The sun is strong and powerful. This morning, I got up before 5:00 am to see the sunrise on the beach in the great state of Florida. Sunrises are a beautiful thing. They represent a new day and a new beginning. Sometimes, we have to create our own sunsets. Don’t get complacent on that job or relationship. If you know you deserve better, you should go for it. Regardless of what happened the day before or in your past, I want you to remember this. You are never too old to start over.
Here is the video if you’d rather watch the interview.
Chasney was carrying the first born grandchild on both sides of the family. Everyone was excited about the baby that would be born. There was even more excitement when Chasney found out that she was carrying a boy. She knew that he would be involved in sports. Her ex-husband, Dewitt, said it would be basketball since his due date was March. March is college basketball finales known as March madness. On March 30, 1999, Tylan Andrew Rayford was born.
Tylan at one year old
I asked Chasney to describe Tylan as a baby. She begins to smile. With him being the first grandchild on both sides of his family, he was very spoiled. Whatever he wanted, he got. He was well loved all around. He made parenting easy because he didn’t require much. Even during her pregnancy, she had no issues with him. As a baby, he slept all during the night. He never gave her any problems. As he grew older, he was grateful and went with the flow.
Dewitt’s dream of Tylan playing basketball did come to pass. Around the age of eight, he started playing summer league basketball with a local church in Memphis. She recalls an incident that happened on the last game of the season. He went up for a dunk and broke his arm. Chasney can smile about it now, but it was not a laughing moment when it happened that day.
That same summer, Chasney and Dewitt got divorced. Chasney and Tylan moved from Memphis to Tupelo. Here, he joined a pee-wee football league at North Pontotoc around the age of eleven or twelve. Tylan fell in love with football. His basketball career was short lived. She thinks that it was because of the accident when he broke his arm and seeing all his cousins playing football. She and Dewitt were shocked that he remained committed to football instead of basketball. One of the reasons they were shocked was because of his height. Ty was 6’7″.
Sometimes, siblings do not along. There are even examples of this in the Bible, but that was not the case between Tylan and his sisters (Taylor and Jadeyn). Immediately after each girl was born, he took them under his wings. He was their protector. He was a role model. He took care of them and made sure they had everything they needed. Even tho the girls were younger, he was very hands on with his sisters. After the divorce, Chasney was a single mother. Ty did not mind stepping up to help his mom. After he got his car, he drove he and Taylor to school. Whatever they needed, he was always there.
Unfortunately, Ty’s football career did not last long either. July 31, 2017 began as a typical normal day. The kids went to school that morning, and Chasney went to work. That evening, everyone was doing their normal routine things. Tylan came in from football practice. He was his loving self. He came in the house and began playing with his sisters. He loved on Jadeyn and Taylor. After he played with his sisters, he went into his room and got on his phone; the things typical teenagers do. Chasney and Taylor were doing girl things. Jadeyn had her night bath, and the family was preparing for dinner. It was a regular evening. Later, the evening took a turn for the worse. Chasney called Ty’s name, but she didn’t get an answer. She walked in his room to see why he didn’t respond. There, she found her son in the bed. At that same moment, Charlotte, her cousin, was home. She was under her hair dryer and heard a scream. She ignored it and thought it was kids in the neighborhood were playing. She told herself that she would listen for it again. If she did, she said she’d investigate. Charlotte heard it again. This time, she decided to see what was going on. She went out the door and walked outside. The screaming was still happening. Charlotte describe it as a mother wailing. She recognized the voice as Chasney. She said with the scream she knew that it was something wrong with the kids, but she didn’t know which one. Shortly, Taylor walked outside with Jadeyn. That only left Tylan as to why Chasney would be screaming the way she was. Tylan’s heart had given out.
Charlotte recalls Chasney asking for help. Remember, Tylan was gentle giant. With her adrenaline going, Chasney was able to lift him out of the bed and began to perform CPR. Unfortunately, it was nothing that Chasney could do. Tylan died peacefully in his sleep.
The cause of Tylan’s death was cardiomyopathy, enlarged heart. It was hereditary. He and his father had the trait. It had never been detected. He received routine physicals playing football. Also, Tylan was following routine medical appointment and seeing physicians. It was not anything that anyone (parents or doctors) thought to specifically check because she nor her ex-husband have any indications of having heart problems. The doctors did say that his enlarged heart would have been an issue later on in life. With him playing sports, it brought the issue to surface.
Losing a child first goes against the circle of life. Children are supposed to bury parents. It is not supposed to be the other way around. One question I had for Chasney how was it to prepare for his funeral. Her response was “It is a tragedy within itself. It is something that you can’t fathom. You can’t prepare for. It’s something you can never prepare for. I was not ready then, and I’m not ready now. It is something I would never be ready for.” Chasney said this is a pain that she wouldn’t wish upon her own enemy. For her to process the funeral, she had to go into business mode. She set aside “parent role” and went into “business mode.” She knew there were things that had to be done. She made sure she was busy in order not to process what was going on. She had to make sure that everything he needed would be taken care of because she had his back no matter what happened in life.
Leading up to the day of the funeral is blurry in her mind. As that day drew near, she had support from her family and her ex-husband. Funeral homes will ask the family to come view the deceased body prior to the funeral. They want to make sure the body is presentable in the way the loved one wants it on the day of the funeral. Mentally, she was shutting down. This was not a task that Chasney was able to do. Charlotte and Dewitt were the ones that approved his body in the casket. The day of the funeral, she walked to the casket and viewed his body for the last time. Her seeing him laying in the casket took a toll on her mind. She had to process this is her son laying there. He is never coming back. It was an image and moment that she will never leave her mind. It is something “she will never forget. “
Through the tragedy, her faith was tested. She got to know God in a way that she hadn’t before his loss. Going through the divorce, it was a life changing event. She didn’t rely on God as much. After losing her oldest child, she and God have had a lot of conversations. She asked why her. She has already been through so much. Why put something else on me? Why take my child? Do You even love me? She got to know God in a closer way. There are days when she cries and wants to close off from everyone. She doesn’t want to go out of the house. She doesn’t want to go to work. There are times when she wants to give up, but God and Tylan give her strength to keep going. Those nights of crying, she expects to wake up with bags under her eyes. She laughs and says she will wake up and look ten years younger. Those days that she doesn’t want to get off that bathroom floor, God give her strength. She gets her girls ready for school and goes about her day at work. God took Tylan away, but He has made life easy. When she is having those moments, she isn’t expecting that push, but she knows it is her angel telling God that his momma needs it. He is telling to Give his momma extra help to make it through the day. The only way she is able to bounce back is with God.
A cliche’ statement is time heals all wounds, but this is not true. Life goes on, but it doesn’t heal the loss of a loved one. They have not adjusted to life without Tylan being around. They suppress their feelings in. There are times when she and Taylor have moments when they reflect on memories and process that Tylan is no longer here on earth. Jadeyn was younger when he passed away. She doesn’t have as many memories as Taylor does. Taylor had Tylan in her life for almost nine years. It wasn’t until after he passed that she told her mom Tylan would stop at the store and buy her breakfast before school. When those hard moments come, Chasney will wrap Taylor in her arms and let her know it is ok to have these moments. One thing that gives them all peace is that they know they have a personal angel looking down from heaven watching over them here on earth.
Losing a child is not normal. I asked Chasney what advice would she give to parents that has lost a child. These are her words. “It doesn’t get better. Time does not heal. It is a new normal. You have to take care of yourself. Your child is in God’s hands. So you have to take care of you and keep going. You can’t give up. Keep pushing through. Call on God.” Life is going to be tough. Grief will hit at different time. There will be times when you will reflect on memories. You’ll reflect more on birthdays, date of death, and other days, but you have to keep going and pushing through.
Chasney and Tylan experienced a lot of first moments together. He experienced her being a new mom, going through a divorce, relocating from Memphis to Tupelo, and more. When she looked at Tylan, he was her motivation. He gave her a push to keep going because she didn’t want to fail. She misses him fixing things around the house. She misses him looking out for his grandmother. She misses him telling Taylor “if you just do what momma says, you’ll get what you want. All you have to do is obey her.” He was loving and would asked her what was needed. I asked Chasney to name something she misses about Ty. Her response “everything.”
Can you imagine being 24 weeks pregnant and not knowing? That was the last thing that Jackie expected. There was no way that she could be pregnant. She was still having regular cycles. If she was pregnant, that would be three children within the last three years at the age of twenty. She thought the symptoms were simply the flu. She decided to go to the doctor to see what was going on. There, the doctor gave her the news that it wasn’t the flu. Instead, she was carrying a baby. That baby would be known as Preston “Rock” Dozier, II. Even tho having a child was unexpected, Rock was a blessing to her life. Sadly, his life on earth was short lived.
Preston “Rock” Dozier II was born January 25, 1995. Jackie said he was not like his two older siblings, Laquarius and Teeana. He was a momma’s boy. He enjoyed being at home with his mom. There was a time that Cederia, his grandmother, had to tell him that she was his grandmother, and that it was ok to be with her. Rock was more of a loner. Jackie said he was never one to be with the crowd. He was quiet. He didn’t have to have anyone to be happy. All he needed was something to eat and a video game. He enjoyed himself.
Rock never gave Jackie any problems growing up. She didn’t have to worry about him getting into trouble. With a laugh, she said he was the typical teenager and a ladies man growing up. I asked how was he as a brother. She said that he and Laquarius would disagree and wrestle. Laquariaus was older, but Rock was always bigger. Rock’s body and feet grew like weeds. Even tho he might have been bigger in size, Laquaris wanted to remind know who was the oldest brother. 😊 With his bigger size, he was Teeana’s “big brother.”
Jackie and her four children (Jaquarius, Teeanna, Preston, and Zoey
As an adult, Jackie said that if you were ever to Rock’s home that it was a privilege. Remember, as a child, he didn’t mind being alone. As an adult, he still didn’t believe in crowds. He was not one to just have people over to simply have people over. If you were at his home, you were special. You were his friend or family. That meant, he really wanted you there.
Rock had two biological children of his own and two others that he raised as his own (Malaysia, Jayla, A’myah, Preston III). After his parent’s bitter divorce, his father wasn’t a presence in his life. Rock was determined to do fatherhood differently. If Rock wasn’t at work, he had his children with him. He made up in his mind that he would devote his time with his children. He took fatherhood seriously and was committed to being the best father he could be before the fatal accident took his life.
The dreadful day of February 3, 2020, Jackie’s life was never the same. Her world was turned upside down. She remembers it as if was yesterday. She was at work and had been in a meeting without her cell phone. After she got out of the meeting, she had numerous missed calls from her family and the hospital. She returned her husband’s, Donald, call to ask what was wrong. He informed her that Preston had been in a wreck. He thought it was bad because they asked him to come off the road (Donald drives 18 wheelers) and come to the hospital as well. She tried to return other calls to her family, but no one was answering. She grabbed her purse, told her boss that her son was in a wreck, and she had to go. She remembers praying to God and saying “God, I’m not going to be worried. I know You got this.”
When she pulled up at the hospital, the first person she saw was her sister, Valerie. Valerie was headed to Jackie’s job to come pick her up. Valerie already knew the news. All Valerie was doing was crying and couldn’t speak. Jackie went passed her to go inside to see what was happening. After she entered the room, the first person she was was the coroner. She knew something was wrong. The coroner began the routine questions. “Are you Mrs. Shumpert? Is Preston Dozier your son?” The next statement was “I’m sorry. There’s been a wreck.” At that moment, Jackie blacked out. When she returned to consciousness, she asked the coroner was she sure it was her son because Laquarius was known for allowing others to borrow his car if they had a need. She wasn’t wishing death upon another parent’s child, but she didn’t want it to be hers. The coroner handed Jackie Rock’s wallet. Then, Jackie knew it was her child that was no longer here on earth. Jackie didn’t go see his body until after her husband and family arrived at the hospital. She said it looked like he was sleeping because he slept with his eyes open. After closing his eyes for the last time, she walked out the room. When she walked out the room, she was surprised by the outpouring of people that came to surrounded her with love. Her sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, pastors, church members, and coworkers were there. The hallway was full. It was over the “certain” people that the hospital said could come. Jackie is thankful for the love and support she received that day. She knows that she could not have done it alone.
Jackie is a minister of the gospel. One of the questions I asked was how was her faith tested being a Christian and minister of Christ. The Saturday before Preston’s death, she had to preach at a women’s brunch. That week, she was preparing for a sermon and a topic, but her mind was blank. That morning, God gave her a title, “Don’t break before your breakthrough.” She assumed the sermon was for the ladies at the brunch, but the sermon was really for her. That following Monday, Rock was in the accident that took his life.
Preparing for the moments before hand and the funeral were some of the hardest things that she has ever done in her life. There was no way in the world that she thought she would be burying her child. She had to make phone calls to inform loved ones that Preston was dead and to prepare for his funeral. People told that once she began making arrangements and preparing for the funeral that it was might bring closure to her mind. For Jackie, that was the opposite. The finalization of things were the heartache. It made it reality because she was about to prepare a funeral for her child. She had to decide on which caskets, what clothes, and approve the body before the visitation and funeral. Life isn’t supposed to be that way. When she went to view his body, he had no scratches. Even tho he had the wreck and body was thrown around in the car, he died from internal bleeding. He appeared to be sleeping, but the touch said “he is really dead.”With the help of God, she has kept her sanity. Grief is real. It has no time period. A person can see something, hear something, smell something, and it can all remind you of the loved one that has gone on. She tells people that she is not a superwoman. She is weak. She breaks just like everyone else.
On the day of the funeral, Jackie had gotten everyone ready but herself. She’d bought everyone’s outfits. She wanted everyone to look the same. When she got them ready, she was going to send them off in the funeral and stay home. She thought that staying home would be a safe thing to do. She felt that people were acting a certain way. Would she be strong? Would be break down? She didn’t want to deal with people’s expectations. God spoke to her and said “there is purpose beyond your pain.” As a woman of faith, she told God. “I can believe everything you’ve told me, but I can’t believe this. What kinda pain is this losing me kid? My heart shattered that day?” Her uncle-in-love realized that Jackie wasn’t in the limo as everyone else. He inquired and asked was she getting ready. He let her know that he was not leaving until she was ready, but he was not going to rush her. That was the longest ride in her life.
For her, she wants to keep Rock’s memory alive. She will never let his memory die. Every other weekend, his children come over to stay. When Rock was younger, he had a speech impediment. He spoke really fast. For about a year, he was put into the special education program at school. They helped him overcome the issue. Now, his son speaks the same way. Each time she hears her grandson, she thinks of Rock at the same age.
I asked Jackie what advice would she give anyone that has lost a child. She said there is no manual or book that tells parents how to handle that loss. It is your child. Grief has no time period. For her, one way of coping with his loss is visiting his grave sight. Another thing is to realize that everyone’s relationship with their children are different. As loving parents, parents want to protect and save their children. It doesn’t matter what age the child is; no parent wants to see his/her child hurt. Jackie felt that she failed Preston because she was not able to save him that day from dying. That morning, Preston fell asleep on his way home from work. That’s how the wreck happened. He would always call his mom on the way home from work. She used to joke with him and tell him to call her instead. That morning, she realized that she didn’t receive either. She beat herself up. She thought she’d failed him. Without her faith, Jackie said that she would question it all. The devil wants to play with your mind. She has a grief counselor/therapist to help deal with grief. There were days that she had to force herself to get up, get dressed up, nor eat. She said to herself “if I’m breathing, I can do it.” There have been moments that she has had to scream it out. Her husband will just shut the door and let her do it. With help, she realizes that she never failed him. Preston knew that his mom loved him. His death was God’s will. God knows how long our days are numbered. We are the ones that don’t know. To the parents, there is no time period to grieve. She recommends people to have faith in God.
One thing she misses about Rock is that he loved family. If he wasn’t working, he would be there. She didn’t worry about food being leftover. He would either eat it up or take it home for himself. He would always have fun with the family and crack jokes on each one. The most important thing is his presence. With his death, there is a void in her life. Even tho Preston Dozier is no longer physically here with her on earth, he will always and forever be here “Rock.”
Here’s the YouTube video in case you’d rather view instead. Me the night of my 44th birthday party 🥳
Here are some things that one year (44-45) taught me. Number one is I matured in life. Proverbs 18:21 says that death and life lie in the power of the tongue. The tongue is a powerful thing. You can speak positivity over your life and loved ones (as you should). You can also hurt people with it. I did both. I spoke life into situations, but I also hurt people with it. In retrospect, people hurt me. If it’s someone that’s insignificant in your life, what that person says or does is irrelevant! You care less and keep it moving. I learned that it’s the people you love that are the ones you hurt and the ones that hurt you. You have to be an adult about it. If you hurt someone you, you should take responsibility for it. You should definitely apologize for what you said. That’s exactly what I did. Now, it is up to that person to accept the apology. You can’t make a person accept your apology nor can you rush another person’s time to heal. Don’t beat yourself up after you apologize. We have to realize that sometimes when we hurt someone that person might not want you back in his/her life. You accept your mistake of you of what you said and move on. On the other hand… When someone hurts you, you might not get the apology from that person that you feel that you should get. Don’t wait for it. Life doesn’t stop for you, me, and anyone else. You have to keep living.
One of my prayers
I learned it’s ok to sometimes be alone and do things alone. I took my first international trip (to my favorite land, Jamaica 🇯🇲). I didn’t respond to any business calls, text or messages. That was my first time ever in my life that I didn’t feel the need to even give the response I’m on vacation. This time was truly for me. While I was there, I made my first vlog for my YouTube page. The trip was very therapeutic and peaceful. I heard God’s voice clearly and received clarity on things I’d been praying for in my life. I’m not saying everyone should travel out of the country alone, but you should definitely go somewhere alone.
I am a huge music lover. One of my favorite things to do is hear live music. When Covid came, it shut concerts down. I was very happy that Covid numbers were down some, and concerts were back in effect. For my first time, March 2022, I attended a concert by myself. The lineup was amazing. It was Joe, Anthony Hamilton, and Maxwell. I am a HUGE Anthony Hamilton fan. I didn’t know the people beside me, but we danced and sang the night away.
Concert selfie
I learned that life is short. I suffered more losses of loved ones that were hard to accept. One in particular was my Uncle Hazel. I’d lost my grandmother, my Uncle Tom, and my cousin Chris in 2020. Uncle Hazel’s death was the beginning of 2021 (January). There is not one mean thing that anyone could say about him. He was the most gentle and most kind soul. He was always willing to help someone in need. He helped me out sooooo many times. He never once complained. He wouldn’t allow you to pay him for his help. He spoke with soft voice, and he gave great advice. After my divorce in 2012, he was my next door neighbor. I miss him waving at me across the yard. I miss him calling me and telling me the dogs were at his house. I miss him. I will say that he left his helpfulness spirit behind. His granddaughter, Kamri, took on his mantle. She is always there whenever I call. She won’t let me repay her either. We all know that death will one day come knocking on our door, and it’s a part of life. It doesn’t make it easier when we lose loved ones. The pain is still there. I grieve my own way and take it one day at a time.
Some moments with Uncle Hazel, and that’s him with his granddaughter, Kamru
November 2021, I climbed a freaking mountain. My cousin, Keeisha, and I went to Aruba. While we were there, we met one of the sweetest people that I’d ever met in my life. His name is Maxromy Brown. During our trip, he took us to various places on the island. On our last day there, Max told us that he wanted us to climb a mountain. We got up around 4:00 am. He picked us up before sunrise. That was the purpose. We were to see the sun rise over the island. Oh my gosh. It was hard work. It took a lot, mentally and physically, to climb the mountain. It was the largest altitude in Aruba, and we accomplished walking miles up a mountain to see a sun rise. It was one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve seen in my life. Getting up early and walking for miles was worth it all.
When you travel internationally, you get to see a lot of things. Americans take a lot of things for granted. The U.S. is a great place to live, but I wish there were things that we had stricter rules. One example is gun control. The recent mass shootings of innocent people is mentally devastating. One of the most recent ones, elementary school in Texas, is traumatizing. My three children are now adults, but I could have been one of those parents that child that didn’t make it home that night. Two days ago,there was a shooting at a health facility. Again, innocent people lost their lives. I had shoulder surgery on May 24. I’ve been to the doctor numerous times before the surgery, after the surgery, and still more to go. That could have been me. I’m thankful for every morning I open my eyes.
My children and I (July 2021)
Lastly, I did something that I never in my life of living would have thought I’d do. All my life, I’ve loved photography and had some type of camera device. God spoke to me and said to do a photo exhibit of my work. It took me by surprise and pushed me out of my comfort zone.I took pictures from two of my trips to Jamaica. The theme was “One night in Jamaica.” It was a lot of work. It was a lot of preparation. You can read about my experience in a previous blog, but I’ll say this. There were days and nights that I wanted to quit, but God wouldn’t let me quit. I had friends and family praying for me. Those prayers and help from friends and family got me through it. I cried before and after it was over. Seeing my work around the wall was a feeling that I’d never had before. I did it. The night was absolutely amazing. That was only the first, but it won’t be the last.
Life is too short. Life is uncertain. We are here today and could be gone tomorrow. We shouldn’t live life worrying about what others say about you. Some people are simply miserable people. They’ll always have something to say. They’re not happy with themselves and not happy with life. Don’t let those people control how you live yours. With that being said….. Wear what you want. Drink what you want. Go where you want. Turn up the music and sing to the top of your lungs. Take time for yourself. Pamper yourself. Get a therapist or counselor to help you balance out life. Cause is sometimes to heavy to bare. Take a trip at least once a year to unwind and unplug from the real world. Most importantly… Be you and be great.
People get adrenaline rushes or excitement off of different things. Some people jump out of planes. Some gear up and play a game of basketball. Some people paint. For me, it’s taking pictures. Photography has always been my passion. Since I was a little girl, I have always loved taking photos. Even from the beginning, my parents supported me. They weren’t able to buy a “big girl” Nikon, Cannon, or etc, but they kept the disposable cameras in stock for me. I get such a rush taking pictures and later looking to see how they turn out. It’s one of the best feelings in the world. When I see that developed picture, it doesn’t matter how many years have lapsed, I can recall memories of what happened that day. That’s why I am always taking pictures because I love capturing moments and creating memories.
My shirt says “I may snap at any moment.”
Some people, only, see paintings as art. You enter the gallery, and you can decide how you feel about the painting. The artist might have painted the picture with an idea in mind, and you might have a totally different interpretation. That’s what art is about. That’s why paintings are not the only form of art for me. I can see art in everything. I can look at nature, a building, food, people, sand. etc. It doesn’t matter. I see something that I can photograph. Photography is art. You can look at a picture. I feel it should evoke a type of emotion in you; especially, if it’s one that you took. I have always loved going to different art shows. I never imagined in my life thought that I would be having my own.
March 2020, the entire world was turned upside down because of the pandemic. With all the company closures, the pandemic made people turn to their passions for income. I have been in banking for over 20+ years. I didn’t lose my job, but the pandemic showed me that no one or no job was safe. God spoke to me and pushed me to use my gifts that He’d given me. I purchased a new “big girl” Cannon camera and was ready to conquer the world.
My mom was my first subject with my new camera.
I went in full force and oblivious to what it took to be a professional photographer. I was ready to take on whatever opportunity presented. I was willing to do birthday parties, graduation photos, weddings, whatever. I had to learn that just because you love taking pictures that every event might not be your speciality. Another thing I had to learn was, living in Mississippi, the weather does not always cooperate with you. We can have all four season in one day. I would have a customer, and it would start raining, or the temperature would drop 30*. I don’t have a studio. Therefore, I lost a client. I was getting discouraged about becoming a professional photographer. Isaiah 55:8 says that “for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways.” I was focusing on “trying to make additional money”. It’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but that’s not the direction that God was leaving me during this season.
I love to to travel. When I travel, I come back with thousands of pictures that I have taken in only 4 or 5 days. I’d been to Jamaica December 2020 and June 2021. Whenever I come back from a trip, I will post lots of pictures on my social media outlets. During both trips, there were some pictures that I didn’t post. My spirit did not allow me to post them. At the moment, I did not understand why. It wasn’t until about a week after the second trip that God spoke to me and said for me to do a photo exhibit with the pictures that I hadn’t posted. God and I went back and forth. It was me because I didn’t think I could do it, and God isn’t going to argue. Fear was inside of me. Eventually, I told God that I will obey. When I obeyed, everything lined up for me.
July 3, 2021 (I made my first vlog in Jamaica 🇯🇲
The first person that I told was my mother. I had no clue on where to even hold a photo exhibit. She suggested for me to inquire at the Gumtree Museum of Art or the Link Center. She referred me to a friend, Evie, that knew people at both facilities. The Gumtree had years for their waiting list, and I’d have to submit my work for approval. I wasn’t going to wait years. If I were to do this thing, I had to do it while I had the courage. I didn’t want “approval” from anyone on my work that I’d done. The Link Center was available. As long as my work wasn’t explicit, I could have it there.
My younger sister, Zierra, had a performance at the Link Center. She was the opening act for a jazz concert. After the concert, I informed Melanie that I was the one that was inquiring about having the photo exhibit there. She allowed me to see the room. The room was perfect. I began to cry because I envisioned my pictures on the wall. Later, we had a meeting to finalize all the details of the photo exhibit.
It was official. I had work to do and a lot of work it was. With me having thousands of pictures, I had to decide which ones I wanted to use. Then, I had to edit. Editing takes hours and hours. People see the final picture, but they don’t know the work that it took to have that final picture. After I edited the pictures, I had to decide what size I wanted to print the pictures in. I had to purchase frames and place the pictures in the frames.
This process took months. There were moments that I was discouraged. I’d edited the pictures, but I couldn’t get them to upload to a website to order the pictures. The files were too large. I bought a flash drive to maybe put them on there. It was still too large. I cried for several nights. I said God, You pushed me to do this. I need your help. He did. I airdropped them off my computer to my phone, saved in a favorite file, and ordered off a different website (Walgreen’s Photo). My photo exhibit was in January. Walgreen’s photo department was slammed. They’d run out of canvas material. I’d made several of those. My anxiety level went up again, but the ladies were awesome. They would notify me of what was happening. I was able to get all my pictures and canvases printed in time for my exhibit. I had to place the pictures inside of the frames. That was an ordeal itself. I had to choose which frame that I felt went great with each particular picture. My fingers got sore and tender from doing it day after day. Lastly, I didn’t have enough tables, stands, and easels for all the pictures I’d selected. I had to rent everything from Busylad.
These are some the pictures I had made into canvases.
The week of the exhibit……I was excited but fear, nervousness, and anxiety crept back in. The Sunday prior, my pastor, Eric Burton, preached about us trying to prepare ahead and God wants us to trust Him. We didn’t need to worry about the days ahead. We need to trust God in that moment. I was on the phone with my friend, Charlotte. I can’t even remember what I was crying about at that moment. She spoke to me almost the same words that my pastor preached about the day before. I said ok. God. I am going to trust in You. Friday isn’t even here yet. Everything will be ok.
The assistant director captured me jamming with the band.
I didn’t have a clue on how to hang up pictures and arrange them nicely. I called one of my bank customers. Yep. You guessed it. I was crying. They were booked, but God touched their hearts. A few hours laters, they stopped what they were doing and came to help me. Stephanie and Jennifer were God sent. I handed them pictures, and they did their thing. I let the professionals do what they do best. If I had a million dollars at that moment, I sure would have blessed them with it. 😊
Stephanie helping me hang pictures.
The actual day was January 14, 2022. The night was absolutely amazing. My entire outfit was perfect. I had the best glam squad for the night (Candace and Patrice). I hired my mentor, Necole Fears, as the photographer for an hour. I had live music. My sister and the crew made my want to dance the entire night away. My mom worked the door for me and had everyone to sign in. I had friends that drove near and far to support. My pastors (Eric and Kamala) came. He prayed over me, my future with photography, and took us to church. It was covid friendly, and no one caught covid because of my event.
The band
Even though I could not see it at the moment, God worked it out for me from the very beginning. Charlotte and her husband helped me picking up rentals, and she helped me framing pictures a few additional pictures. Stephanie and Jennifer helped me arrange the pictures on the walls and on the table. After the event was over, Gillie’s Girls (Allison, Claudia, and Kim) and Elnora’s ladies (Rhonda and Kechia) helped me take the pictures off the wall. If I was alone, it would have taken me hours or a couple of days to get everything down. The band took everything to my truck and loaded it up for me. God let me know that I was never alone.
Some of Gillie’s Girls and Elnora’s ladies
I followed through with something that I have always loved doing. Even when I wanted to quit and give up, I pressed forward. I am thankful for each person that prayed for me and encouraged me during this time. Whether you drove near or far, I am thankful for each person that was able to attend. I am thankful for the ones that wanted to attend, but things arose. It was the weekend of Dr. Marting Luther King. I picked it for a reason. He had a dream, and I did too. He was one that made history, and this was history making for me. January 14, 2022 will always be special to me. It was my first exhibit, but it won’t be my last. I am thankful for the dream that became a reality. My advice to anyone that’s reading or listening; Don’t ever stop dreaming.
Recently, I was traveling home after spending the weekend and enjoying time with my cousins. I was cruising along the highway with the radio blasting. One of my favorite artist, Mary J Blige, new song came on. I began to focus on the lyrics. “All the times that I hated myself. All the times that I wanted to be someone else. All the times that I should have been gentle with with me. All the times that I should’ve been careful with me. Why did I hate myself so intensely? Lord help me…I wake up every morning and tell myself good morning gorgeous.”
Gillie’s Girls (missing Toya and Keeisha)
This song is a song full of great affirmations. Even before affirmations were cool and became an “it” thing, my Aunt Yogie had my cousins and I doing it. We loved the summer because we would be able to spend the night at her house. She allowed us to freely express ourselves. We would vocalize things that we liked or disliked about ourselves. She would have us take a look in the mirror and tell ourselves that we were beautiful. She continued and said, “Even though we might not like certain things about ourselves, we were made in God’s image. We were beautifully and wonderfully made.”
My aunt Yogie and my cousins (missing Allison) Blood doesn’t have to make you family.
Back to the trip driving home….I began to think about how I used to hate a certain thing about my body and how it was/is my insecurity. I’ve never been insecure about my size. Even at my largest size, I still felt fly. I have a family history of diabetes, breast cancer, high blood pressure, and I suffer from hypothyroidism. The reason that I am staying focused on weight loss now is to prevent the potential future health complications in my body.
My thing, my insecurity, my weakness, my kryptonite is facial hair. Even though I have come a long way in self care and self love, every now and then, things/feelings sneak up on you. Sometimes, these old feelings makes me doubt myself and makes me feel insecure all over again. As I listened to the song, I said this needs to be my daily affirmation, and I should say this to myself each morning.
Insecurities can develop over time and for different reasons. Mine developed because my mustache became a running joke in junior high. Kids, in school, can be cruel. I’ve always been more of a hairier person and had facial hair. I remember being picked on at school. Other classmates would say in front of other classmates. “You have a mustache”. Other classmates would laugh at the “joke.” I would retaliate back with an insult to deflect the laughs. Deep inside, all I wanted to do was yell or cry. I never cried in front of anyone, but, occasionally, I would when I got home.
A picture of me in high school
As I became an adult, it didn’t get any easier. Instead of classmates, it came from young children. The child might ask his/her why does she have a mustache. Most times, the parent would reprimand the child. I’d say it’s ok because I know children are innocent and inquisitive. They didn’t know. Even though I said it’s ok, I was hurting inside.
I didn’t do any type of self care growing up or as a young adult. It wasn’t until after my divorce that I began to do things for myself. I began to get massages, manicures, pedicures, and even laser treatments. The esthetician informed me that it can be hereditary. My fraternal grandmother had facial hair. It was definitely hereditary for me. As an African American, it will take more laser sessions in order to completely remove. https://www.glamour.com/story/laser-hair-removal-for-dark-skin/amp.
Doing laser treatments is a catch 22. You have to grow hair in order for the esthetician to be able to have enough to remove and treat. Laser treatment on the face is a painful procedure. Yes. I have tattoos, but laser treatment is a different type of pain. The face/lip have more sensitive nerve sensation. It is not fun having to do multiple sessions. I started using Nair or doing derma-facials to rid the facial hair in order to avoid the pain.
Before and after picture after receiving dermafacial treatment from Santana Roberson
I realize that everything is a process. If I want it completely gone, I have to trust and endure the process. Thank You Lord for the reminder that I am made in Your image. Just as the song says, I am beautiful (even with my facial hair). Therefore the greatest Christmas gift of all is loving yourself. My goals is to always love Carman (mind, heart, body, and soul) because girl. You are gorgeous. 💛💛💛
Part of the song *** I do not own the rights to this song***
Today, I paid my respects to one of the sweetest people on earth. 🤍🤍🤍
Mrs Louise Kisor passed away last Friday. She lived to be 98 years old. I took this pic 10/10/2017. She was never one that liked having her picture taken. I was honored that she allowed me to take it that day. It made me feel special. I couldn’t post it, but I could take it lol Phyllis and I laughed. We said that she can’t fuss at me for posting her gorgeous picture tonight. She might be fussing in heaven lol.
Here’s what Mrs Louise’s 98 years of living taught me.
Always wear a smile. There was NEVER a time that I saw her, and she didn’t have a smile on her face. What a gorgeous smile it was. 😊
Always look your best. There was never a time that I saw her that she wasn’t fashionable.
Keep your hair done. I never saw Mrs Louise with a bad hair day.
Love has no color. When Mrs Louise had her birthday parties, sometimes, I would be the only African American in the room. It made no difference to her. She loved me still.
Treat people the way you want to be treated. It goes with number 4. If you show respect, you will be given respect.
Honor your mother and your father. Your days will be long. This is a commandment in the Bible. Obviously, she got that right. She lived 98 years on earth.
Travel. She had a daughter that lives in New York. She didn’t mind going to visit, but she was coming home. I love to travel.
It’s ok to be independent. Mrs Louise did not mind doing things on her own. She didn’t look for a handout. If she could do it, she did it herself.
To thine own self be true. It didn’t matter what others might have thought about her independence, she was a strong woman. She did what she felt was best for her.
Love God. Mrs Louise was a God loving woman. She was active at her church home and loved her church family.
I could go on and on about her and the things she taught me. You’d be reading all night. 🙃
Mrs Louise, you will surely be missed. May you forever live in our hearts. 💛💛💛
“I am a man” are words that Jason takes pride in saying. For Jason, the meaning of being a man is being able to provide for his family; not only their needs but, also, their wants. Therefore, the words “I am a man” are not words that Jason takes lightly. There was a time period when Jason was unable to provide. He was sentenced to 40 years for possession of cocaine and intent to distribute cocaine. Some of his years were suspended. Jason served 5 years, but his past does not define the man that he is today. Statistics show that up to 63-75% of people that have been incarcerated will go back to jail within five years. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/76-released-inmates-arrested-again-within-5-years-report-n86826. Jason Westmoreland would not become one of these statistics.
The baby of the family
Jason said that his mother always made sure that he and his siblings needs were always met. Jason’s appetite of “wanting more” led him to a different lifestyle. Jason saw finer and fancier things, and he desired them for himself. Instead of working for those things, Jason took the path of selling drugs. “Selling drugs was was the only way that I thought I could I make sufficient amount of money to suppress my appetite,” but it didn’t last long. After 5-6 year of living the lifestyle he desired, Jason was arrested for possession of cocaine, intent to sell, and distribution of cocaine. Jason served 5 years.
A picture of Jason while he was incarcerated
After serving his time, Jason tried working working 9-5 jobs. He even tried work factory jobs, but none of those jobs were for him. He still had a taste for finer things in life, but he wanted to do it a legal way. With limited education, his choices were few that would allow him to make close to the money he had gotten accustomed to making.He was familiar with trucking because his grandfather, uncles, and some cousins were drivers. Jason decided he wanted to make a career in transportation. He said rain, sleet, or snow, you’ll find him behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler. Each time he is behind that wheel, Amber, his wife, is praying for his safety.
Amber, the queen of the house
Just because there is money in the industry, Jason and Amber have made sacrifices for their family for the betterment for their family. Initially, when Jason began to drive trucks, he had to do extremely long hauls on the road. He would be gone for a month or more and would only have two days off. He knew it was a sacrifice that he had to make to gain experience. After a period of time, Jason tried the short haul. He was coming home each day. Of course with the shorter distance, the money wasn’t the same. He and Amber had a discussion. In order for him to provide the lifestyle he desired and what he wanted to be able to give his wife and children{ (Jqwon(16), Gavin(12), and Jaceion (5)} all their needs and their wants, they decided for Jason to go back to long haul. Amber said that she would much rather have Jason on the road and absent during the week versus being prison walls.
The Westmoreland family
I asked Jason what was the hardest thing being on the road. His response was not being there to help his wife. He feels that he puts a burden on her by being on the road. She has to take the kids to their football games, karate, work, and do household chores alone. Jason said on the other aspect if he wasn’t on the road that he’d be at the house looking at them, and what good would that do them? He and Amber understand that sacrifices have to be made with him being in transportation, but it is a sacrifice that they are willing to make together. With the love, communication, and commitment, the Westmorelands are making it work.
My next question to him was what keeps you motivated to drive. One of the benefits is seeing the world for free. Jason said that he is paid to travel the US. He gets to see beautiful sceneries, mountains, and things he might not have ever seen before had he not been a truck driver.
One of the greatest benefits of driving is that Jason loves the fact that he can provide for his family. “It is a blessing not living paycheck to paycheck. I don’t have any worries when it comes to financial stabilities. I wish I’d started driving 20 years ago. I could have been a millionaire and retired by now.” By being in transportation, it has provided him the opportunity to purchase a new home for his family. Amber was desiring a new vehicle. A few Saturdays ago, he left the home with intentions of going to grab a sausage and biscuit. Instead, he came home with two new vehicles for their family. When his kids say “daddy I want this”, Jason said he has to stop himself from buying everything at that moment. Some of the reasoning for going ahead and purchasing what the kids wants is because it is his way of making sure that his sons do not go down the path that he was once on. He encourages and pushes education to them. If they decide on a trade, Jason will encourage them to do that as well. He knows that the 9-5 jobs aren’t for everyone. His oldest son told me that he might become a truck driver whenever he graduates. As we all know, truck drivers make the world go round.
The Westmoreland family
I asked Jason what advice would he give to anyone that is considering driving trucks. He would let anyone know that their are other options besides selling drugs. He said that a career can be made in driving trucks. “You have to leave home freely. If you don’t, you will leave home forcefully, be in a situation that you regret. It is great money, but sacrifices have to be made.” We discussed sacrifices earlier, but one of his sacrifices he made was that he moved away from home. The Westmorelands lived in Nashville for approximately 6 months. It didn’t last long. Jason said “I am a momma’s boy.” The family moved back to Mississippi. He doesn’t criticize the next person because he was once there. That way for him was simply turned into another direction (positive).
Jason now drives for Milan Supply Chain Solutions
If you are looking for Jason Westmoreland, you won’t find him behind a prison wall. Instead, you can look out your window on the highway, you might see him in passing on the highway in his 18 wheeler.
It won’t matter if it’s rain, sleet, or snow, you can count on Jason to be behind the wheel of his 18 wheeler being the man for his family. Be safe driver. You are appreciated.
This is Jason’s truck. He’d gotten stuck in the yard the night before. He was waiting on a tow truck to come pull him out. We got a laugh out of it.
In the month of November, the US celebrates the Thanksgiving holiday. People take the time to say what they are thankful for in their lives. Typically, people say friends, family, good health, and a job that provides income. I, too, am thankful for those same things, but I wanted to express gratitude to men/women that make the world go round. You might wonder who are these men/women? These men/women are those that get behind the wheel of an 18-wheeler each day to bring every single thing we have( rent or own) into our lives.
This month, I decided to show words of appreciation, gratitutde, and recognize the men/women that make the daily sacrifices for us. I wanted to thank them for all that they do. Part 1 of this month’s blog is dedicated to a father and his sons.
I think every man wants to hear these words. Dad, I want to be like you when I grow up. That’s what happened for Johnny Wooten. Mr. Wooten’s two sons, Robert and John, followed in the footsteps of their father and became a part of the transportation industry.
Lance and Mr. Wooten
Transportation industry was not Mr. Wooten’s first job. He and his wife of 57 years, Sammie, farmed. I asked what made him decide to enter into the career path of transportation. He stated that it wasn’t many options in those days to provide for a family. He has been driving 18 wheelers for the last 47-48 years. He has enjoyed the benefits it brings. His hard work and dedication influenced both of his son to become truck drivers as well. His son, Robert, made it to almost 33 years, and John has been driving for the last 3 years. It took John a little longer to follow in the path of his father and brother.
John (“Snout”)
John was in the restaurant business since the age of 15. He started off as a car hopper at Johnnie’s Drive In. Later, John would open his own restaurant in Saltillo by the name of John’s Place. He ended up closing it. Several years later, he went back into business for himself and opened Double Barrell. He had a location in Shannon and one in Tupelo. Due to the high cost of food and trying to keep doors open, he decided the restaurant business was no longer for him. He made a call to his brother, Robert, one night. He never looked back.
John and Mr Wooten
That Saturday night, John called Robert and told him that he wanted to talk to him. John wanted to ride with him on his next delivery. John knew that Robert was on his way to Clarksdale the next morning. On the trip, John informed Robert that he wanted to get out of the restaurant business and into trucking. Robert agreed to show him the ropes, but he told John that he wouldn’t last. He said John was only a “blowed up fry cook and a steering wheel holder.” Robert told John he wouldn’t last. John was determined to be successful in the business and make it last.
Lance holding a picture of his late uncle and grandfather
John recalls one trip. Robert, John, and their friend, Gary Kisner, had to take loads to Virginia. John said all the way there Robert gave him a hard time. It didn’t matter what he was doing. He was on his back and calling out every mistake. Finally, John had enough. He asked Robert to get off him. Gary asked Robert to leave John alone. On the way back to Tupelo to park their 18 wheelers, Robert called John on his c.b. He asked him how long he’d been driving. After John replied, Robert logged on Facebook and made a post. He told John how proud of him he was. John said he’ll never forget it.
This is the post Robert made on Facebook about how proud of John he was.
I mentioned “cb” name. It’s the name that truckers call drivers on their radio. Mr Wooten said that he is called Pops or Night Owl (former night driver). Robert’s was Pig Tail. It had nothing to do with a pig. It was because of one incident when Robert tore his pig tail wiring loose on his trailer. His co-workers used it accident as a joke. John’s cb name is Snout. It is a play on names because of Robert’s mistake.
Where John’s hand is pointing is what the “pig tail” wires are
March 15, 2021, Robert went on to be with the Lord. They’d come off the road the night before and went to hang out at Sharp Shooters. John recalls seeing him walk out of the building and smiling back at him. That would be the last time he’d see his brother alive. Robert made a career in transportation. This year would have made 33 years that he drove an 18 wheeler. His career began at Stone Container. He drove for Fed Ex for 8 years, GBC, and Ashley Furniture. Williams Logistics is where made his home and was who he drove for prior to his death. John said that Robert never stopped picking at him, but it was brotherly love. John said Mr. Wooten was the patient teacher, and Robert was the tough one. John said he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Robert (“Pig Tail”)
I mentioned that Mr. Wooten has been driving for over 40 years. One day, John thought he was going to have more loads than his dad. He said he’d gotten up early one morning. He had done several trips. He was very excited entering in the office of William Logistics to turn in his bills. He thought he was going to rub it in with his dad’s face of how many he’d done. The business office informed John that Mr. Wooten had already been in hours before he had and had a head start on John. Mr. Wooten was tickled as John was telling the story. He said that even with bad knees he could still run circles around his sons. John said “he’s like an old gear that won’t stop.”
Driving trucks is not for the weak. There are some that come home each night and others do long haul. Those long haul drivers could be gone for days or weeks at a time. The longest Mr. Wooten was away was 5 days, and it was 4 days for John. Even though the pay is good on the long haul trips, Mr. Wooten enjoys coming home each night. He said at his age he is ok with working four days a week.
I asked them both what was something that made them want to keep driving. One thing that keeps Mr. Wooten motivated is the pay. He said he loves seeing that nice check each pay period. Also, he feels when he has delivered his goods and helped the economy out. The bad side of driving is when a delivery is not delivered on time. It is not always the driver’s fault. At times, traffic is bad, the weather is bad, or there is an accident on the road. They said that it isn’t an every day occurrence of these things happening, but it happens. Other times, people are on their cellphones and not paying attention to the road. People should be more aware because it is impossible to stop an 18 wheeler immediately.
At the end of each interview, I ask what advice would you like to give the next person. Mr. Wooten said that he advises anyone that is seeking employment in the transportation business to find someone to work with you. Do your best. Make yourself a good employee. Listen to someone who will help you.
Just as John had great examples in life to influence him, his son, Lance, does too. Lance is 15 and has decided that he wants to make truck driving his career as well. He said his has his grandfather, his dad, and his uncle that are an example to him. I’m not sure who will be the patient one to teach him, or who will be the strict one when it’s his time to get his lessons behind the wheel. One thing I do know is that he’ll make them all proud.
The title of this blog is “like father. like son”. One day, it will be three generations of truck drivers in the Wooten family. Thank you Wootens for all you do. You are appreciated.
Just as the Phoenix bird, Claudia rose after the fire.
“I had the gun in my hand ready to take my life. My son walked in the room. He didn’t understand what was happening because he was younger. He gave me a look. The look, he gave, would be one of the defining moments that I realized I had to leave and get out of this situation. Not many people know, but I was ready to take my life in order to get out of it. My son walking in saved my life.”
Corwin, her son, as a toddler
Many are familiar with October being breast cancer awareness month, but did you know it is, also, domestic violence awareness month? Statistics show that 1 out of 3 women and 1 out of 4 men will experience either rape, physical violence, or stalking. Almost 50% of women and men experience psychological aggression. These are by intimate partners. People that have been victimized of digital abuse are twice as likely to be physical abused. http://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/. Studies, also, show that an average of 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner. 1 out of 15 children will be exposed to domestic violence. 21-60% of victims of partner violence will lose their jobs due to reasons stemming from abuse. http://www.ncado.org/statistic. The numbers of people that experience domestic violence were shocking to read. These are only a few of the statistics. As I was reading, I reflected on the numbers. More than likely, someone, you or I know or could be one of the people that are included in the numbers. My subconscious reminded me it was someone that I knew and someone very close to me.
Gillie’s Girls (We named it after our maternal grandmother and Claudia’s father’s mother)
For several years, my cousins and I get together bi-monthly and have quality girl time. Whenever we are together, we have intimate conversations. We are transparent about things happening in our lives. We encourage, support, and praise each other. During one of the conversations, Claudia shared with the group that she was a survivor of domestic violence. Here is her story.
Claudia was involved in abusive relationship for over 11 years. She knows that is a blessing to be a survivor and share her story. She does not take her being alive lightly because not all women/men are able to get away.72% of murder suicides involve an intimate partner. http://www.ncado.org/statistics.
The relationship did not start as physical. It began verbal, but it was disguised. It didn’t appear as what a person would think of as abuse. It was always questions about what she was doing? Where are you going? Who are you going with? Who was she talking to on the phone? If she didn’t answer any of these questions, it would be an argument. She could not change the location of where she told him she was going. If she did, it would be another argument. I asked her about one of the arguments that she remembered. She recalled a time when one of her maternal cousin’s mother passed away. Claudia told her ex-husband that she was going to her cousin’s house to spend time with her. While she was there, he was, constantly, calling her, but Claudia did not answer. She was focusing and utilizing her time on cousin as she was grieving. When she got home, he was very upset and an argument arose from her not answering.
When I captured this image, I imagined Claudia thinking of what all she has been through in life.
I asked her why did she decide to go ahead and get married if those things were happening prior to marriage. At the time, Claudia processed it as a way of him showing concern or his way of loving her. The reason he wanted to know where she was because he wanted to make sure she was safe. It made him her knight in shining armor. After marriage, the verbal abuse got worse. It progressed to him telling her she was fat, lazy, or stupid. He played on her emotions and mental state of being. He made her feel that she wasn’t beautiful and that no one else would want her. He played on her insecurities.
Claudia and Corwin in 2011
After marriage, the physical abuse began. The locations of where she was hit were hidden and disguised. They were strategically placed. The hits, bumps, and bruises were under her shirt or in the head. The bruises were never anywhere that anyone else could see. There would be words of love and endearment followed by words of hate and physical pain. It reminded me of the saying “oil and water can’t mix.” A person can’t promise you love and exemplify love while causing pain. That isn’t the way love operates. There were always promises of stopping. There were promises of changing and doing better. Please understand that a person can not change another person. The person has to want to change for himself/herself.
Claudia and Corwin (October 2021) 90’s theme party
I asked Claudia to tell me about the time when she knew enough was enough. Her ex-husband wanted to do a family day. Grudgingly, Claudia agreed. Before they left the house, Claudia received a call from a bill collector asking when they were going to pay the bill. After she hung up, she told her ex that family night was canceled because of the call. He wanted her to borrow the money from someone else for them to still go out. She felt paying the bill was more important and refused to ask a friend or family member for the money. His words to her. “I don’t know why I stayed married to your stupid ass. You get on my mother fucking nerves. I can’t wait til the day that I don’t have to be with you anymore. It won’t be much longer.” Claudia asked him to repeat what she said. The light switch went off in her head. Claudia did not want her son growing up thinking that it was ok for a man to talk to a woman nor treat a woman in this behavior. She’d prayed for a sign from God to show her when it was time to leave, and his words were that time. At the moment, they were living with her parents. She had nothing to lose. She told him to pack his things, to leave, and get out. Claudia states her son gave her the courage, and God gave her the strength to leave.
Claudia and her parents (Edwin and Virginia Jones). My uncle is deceased.
Claudia knows getting out of the relationship has made her a better person, as a sister, and a “damn good mom.” She has accomplished things in life and traveled locations that she would not have been able to do had she stayed. She is thankful for God bringing her through.
December 2018, Claudia completed her nursing assistant degree. Since then, she has continued her education and is a LPN.
Each time I interview someone, I, always, ask what advice would you give a person. Claudia’s advice is this. There are various resources and outlets that provide help to women and men that are in domestic violence relationship. Every person should be happy and feel loved because love doesn’t hurt. Love is kind and unwavering. Anytime your significant other says or does things that hurt, belittle, or make you feel less than what you are, you should get out. Don’t worry about being ashamed or embarrassed because life is more important than temporary embarrassment.
Claudia, the survivor
At this very moment, you might not have the strength to get out. I pray for each person that might be in a domestic violence relationship as you read. I pray that God orders your steps and gives you strength to get out of the potential life threatening situation. In my prayer, I will add the the prayer that Claudia prayed. “Lord, lay my path in front of me as clear as a stepping stone.” May God guide you to safety, freedom, and a better/safer life.
A few weeks ago, I was at work, and one of my regular customers entered the lobby. I left my office and went to speak to Mr. John Doe (name has been changed for privacy reasons). I gave Mr. Doe a hug and asked how he’s been because it had been a while since I’d seen him. Mr. Doe said that he’d been given the diagnosis of having terminal cancer. I gave my apologies. He said for me not to apologize because he’s lived a good life. He said he was at peace and ready to be with God whenever the last breath left his body.
I was shocked and told him that I had never in my forty-four years of living heard anyone say that. He told me his reason why. His why was a promise he’d made to God over fifty years ago. Mr. Doe was drafted for the Vietnam war. At the time, his wife was pregnant with their son and was expected to deliver any moment. He was granted permission to stay at home for three months with her and the baby. He said during those three months that some of the people he knew from his hometown were killed in the war. When the time came for him to leave, he said he didn’t want to leave his wife, his new baby, and was afraid of the possibility of him losing his life as well. Mr. Doe told me that he prayed before he left. He said that he asked God if He would allow him to go to war and return back safely that he’d serve Him to the day he died. He said that was a promise that he kept. That was why he was at peace with his soon to be death.
His story really did something to me. I began to reflect over my life. I haven’t been to war, but I’ve had things that been earth shattering to my soul, moments that made me feel as if the wind had been knocked out my chest, and days and nights I’ve cried nonstop. I’ve experienced hurt that I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel. I’ve been lied on. I’ve asked God why did I have to endure those things and wondered if the truth would ever be revealed. During some of these moments, I became stressed and depressed. I couldn’t understand the why. Recently in prayer, God let me know that we might not always understand why some people do the things they do. I needed to quit stressing over things such as trying to understand those types of people. God wouldn’t let me give up. He gave me strength to keep going, to hang on, and share my testimony with someone else that might be going through something similar. I want people to know that no matter how hard it gets to never give up.
I captured this beautiful sunrise on my way to the gym one morning. Sunsets and sunrises are one of the most beautiful things that God gives. I, personally, look at it as my time from God to never give up.
This June, I went to Jamaica for my birthday. A lot of people asked me was I afraid of going internationally alone. I wasn’t because I was at peace within my spirit. There were several eventful things that happened that I could have let ruin my trip. Before I even left Memphis, I almost left my paperwork in my truck that I would have needed to enter the country. I almost missed my first flight . I’d left my paperwork for the covid test in my room that I needed in order to get back into the US. One healthcare worker didn’t want to let me sit and wait. Another one of the healthcare workers allowed me to stay, and she squeezed me in between other travelers that were prepared. I’d hired someone to take my pictures on the beach, but the photographer didn’t show up. After waiting over an hour, I asked a random worker from the resort if he’d take them. Despite all the hiccups, God showed me favor the entire trip. I went into more detail in my July blog in case you missed it. I could have let those things ruin my trip if I’d dwelt on it negatively. Instead, I went with the flow. My goal is to shift my mindset whenever a situation arises. It could be this, BUT it can also be that. Think the quantum theory we were taught growing up in our science class. It says for every negative, there is a positive. That’s the outlook I’m trying to live in my life.
One of the pictures that I had one of the resort employees took when the photographer canceled.
I bring up Jamaica for this reason.. I, too, said a prayer to God. It was my last day there in Jamaica that I gave God complete control over some situations going on in my life that were becoming overwhelming. In life, there are going to be sadness, heartaches and disappointments. I was going to my therapist and praying to God to help me endure. While I was there, I told God that I could not fix these situations. I said I can not understand everything that I am going through, but I put all the situations in His hand. I know that if I put the situations in His hands. I would have to stop trying to fix it and know that He would take care of me and the situations. I gave it all to Him on that day. Just a much as the trip was pleasure, it was spiritual and therapeutic trip as well
I know we’ve all heard the saying that life is short. It really is. We can be here today and be gone tomorrow. Think about it. There are people that you talked to on the phone and a few days later that person was gone from here on earth. We were unable to prepare for that person’s death. We are left shocked and hurting because of the quick demise. Sometimes, we have a family member or friend that is diagnosed with an illness as Mr Doe. The person is only given a few months to live. What do we do with that time? Do we sit and wonder what about the things that we should have done or could have done? Do we reflect on life and think about all things we’ve accomplished? Do we think about relationships we have with our friends and loved ones? What we could have done to make it better or to improve it? Do we think about and ask ourselves did we live our life to the best of our ability?
My reasons why I am trying to be the best version of Carman. These are my children. I want them to have a mom that is whole.
Here’s something else. Sometimes, we get caught up on wondering what other people will say about us if we do a certain thing. I can’t lie. In this past, this was something that I struggled with on a regular basis. Thanks be to God, I no longer care. I wondered if I wore this would I be criticized. If I said a certain thing and voiced me opinion about a situation, what will society think of me? We cannot control what people say about us. We cannot control what people think about us, but we can control how we respond to those things. We have to learn to not give people power and control over our lives. People will always have something to say. If we’re happy, they’ll say that it’s no way that person can be that happy. They’re just pretending. If we’re sad, they’ll say why are they sad. What’s wrong with them? They need to move on and quit being sad. That’s why we can’t get caught up on the opinions of others.
Me being happy with life
Life is truly short. It doesn’t matter if you made a promise to God. It doesn’t matter if you could care less what people say or do about you. It doesn’t matter if you have someone spreading lies on you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been through a bitter divorce. It doesn’t matter if you have lost friends that you thought would always be there for you. It doesn’t matter if you lost the job that you thought you’d retire from one day. I’m not saying those things aren’t meaningful. Nor am I saying that those things won’t bother you. I’m saying that you can’t quit living life when those things happen. Don’t get caught on people. Don’t give them your peace that you have worked hard to get to that place. Time is something that we can not get back. How we spend our time is important. We don’t want to reflect back on our lives and think of the should, woulda, and coulda’s. We need to live our lives to the fullest. We need to live our life with no regrets. Do what’s best for you and no one else!!!!! I want to be just like Mr. Doe and be at peace within myself and my spirit when my time here on earth is coming to an end. At the end of the day, you only have one life to live. Make sure you’re making the best of it.
Me not caring what anyone says because I’m out here living my best life.
Today is July 4th, and this is my vlog post for this month.
Several people have asked me why I don’t have a YouTube channel. Honestly, I was reluctant because of my lack of knowledge when it comes to technology. I even had trouble today with uploading. I had to do it from my phone. The quality isn’t the best.
While I was on vacation, I had a lot of people to send me messages asking if I traveled to Jamaica alone. Here’s my reason why. This was my first and ONLY take. I had to finish packing for the plane. I hope you enjoy.
Subscribe to my YouTube channel to make sure you don’t miss any videos.
A marathon is 26.2 miles. It’s not just for super athletes. There are people of all shapes and sizes, ages, and genre that will begin. One can’t simply wait until the day of the race to start preparing and expect to win. There is work behind this. Everyone will start, but not all will make it to the end. The good thing about life is that we can all be winners.
Typically, training takes 16-20 weeks to prepare for the marathon. This includes the runner running 3-5 times a week. Each week, he/she should increase the miles ran. There should also include strength training for your muscles to help endure (http://www.runnerworld.com).
As I was thinking about this month’s blog, I thought about another kind of racing-horses. Growing up, my father had three horses. On the weekends, we would go and ride. I have always had an admiration for horses (their strength, their beauty, and their endurance).
I’m not sure if you ever watched or heard of the Kentucky Derby. It is one of the elite social events of the year. Men and women are decked in their finest attire. Women’s heads are adorned with the largest and most unique hat they can find. While it a social event, the horses have trained and prepared for the race.
Training is typically in the mornings. Trainers focus on physiological as well as the physical. It is important for the horse not to have anxiety on the day of the race http://www.ofhorse.com. When you see the horses on tv or in person, you should know there is plenty of work and preparation behind it.
I’m sure you are wondering where I am going with this. For me, life is a simile of a race. The moment, we are born, our parents began to prepare us for life. They know what lies ahead.. They have already experienced where we are going. They watch us grow from infants into adulthood. They try to shield us from being hurt. They know that some challenges will be won, and there will be some failures. It is what life brings.
My mom and I
Even though life brings forth obstacles, we must not quit. Sometimes, just as soon as we jump over one hurdle, another one is there waiting on us. It doesn’t matter if we trample over it, leap high without touching it, or run right through it, we will not be disqualified. The importance of it is to never quit.
Other times, there is rain. The sun can be beaming down our faces, and the rain can come pouring down unexpectedly. This is the last thing that a runner or a jockey on the horse would want. Rain slows you down. If you aren’t prepared, you might want to give up. In life, we will have days where things are going great. Then, booom!!!! Here comes the rain. Will you dance in the rain like no one is watching, or will you let it ruin your day?
Family vacation in 2017. In New Orleans, and we got caught in the rain.
As I was gathering information for this month’s blog, there was one article about how to mentally prepare for a race. A couple of suggestions were to visualize yourself finishing yourself finishing and to run your own race http://www.runninforsweets.com. That was very profound to me. We must realize that life is not a competition, and that we must focus on ourselves. The race your friend or family member is on will never be the race you are on. There might be similarities, but no one deals with situations exactly the same. That is what makes us unique.
Today is my 44th birthday. I’ve had journeys. I’ve had hills. I’ve had mountains. I’ve had bumps and bruises. I’ve had heartaches. I’ve felt faint. BUTTTTT I’ve had sunny days. I had love. I’ve had rainbows. I’ve had days filled with glitter and days where I made lemonade out of lemons. Even though life might get hard at times, I shall never quit. Whether it is a Boston Marathon or the Kentucky Derby, there can only be one winner. In life, we can all win. It is the perspective we choose.
The summarization of Ecclesiastes 9:11 is the race is not given to the swift nor to the strong but he that endures to the end. It is one of my favorite scriptures. It helps keeps me focused. Another quote I use often is a sermon that my father once preached. It says, “a good start is important, but the key is to finish.” With that being said-Let’s go running y’all. We have a race to finish!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all have that friend or family member we can depend on no matter what. That person is dependable and reliable. That person encourages and uplifts. Basically, that person is there whenever we need him/her. He/she is a confidant. He/she is trusting and a pleasure to be around. That person is our rock. If you ever had the pleasure of meeting, knowing, or spending time with Shay Ashford, you know she embodies all of these traits and characteristics.
What happens when the person we depend on and lean on so much gets weak? What happens when our rock is suffering in pain and in silence that he/she is willing to end it all? Because of a chronic illness, Crohn’s disease, Shay has suffered and dealt with pain day in and day out, and only a very few knew the extent of pain she was in. One day, Shay had enough. She asked her father, Chip Ashford, to take his gun and shoot her because of the pain she was in. We all depend on our rock. There are times, even our rock, our superheroes get weak.
Shay is a person that never complains. You would never know what she battling internally. I have been guilty of calling in for a headache. I’m sure I’m not alone for calling in and might could have gone ahead to work. Yet each day, she presses on in spite of how she is feeling and goes to work without complaining. A few weeks ago, I began a series on Shay and how Crohn’s affected her life. When she was diagnosed in 2007, there was not a lot of information about Crohn’s. During her interviews, I asked Shay how the flare ups made her feel, the number of surgeries she’s had, and some moments that stuck out to her as she deals with Crohn’s on a daily basis. In her words, “Crohn’s ruined my life.” Shay went from being the social butterfly and a star athlete to a person who was bedridden for days or weeks at a time and having to give up the sport she loved. Her body had now become her enemy. Since that time, she has had over four surgeries and over twenty hospitalizations. Ask yourself this question. Would you still be able to press on?
Prior to Crohn’s, Shay lived a carefree life. She was able to hang out with friends with no worries. After her diagnosis, she had to worry about how many times she would have to use the bathroom. She had to know how long the ride would be because of the possibility of having to use the bathroom. She had to know where she would be dining whenever she ate with friends or family. She would have to look up the menu prior to going to see if it was something she would be able to eat. After Crohn’s, Shay was no longer able to eat lettuce, popcorn, anything spicy, or crab legs (one of her favorite dishes). There would be no more overnight stays with friends. If she did agree to go, she had to make sure there would be multiple bathrooms. Shay’s main concern was that she did not want to take away the fun from others. She did not want to be a burden to anyone.
During our conversation, I asked Shay during one of her 20 hospitalization, was there any moments that stood out? There is one hospitalization that sticks out vividly in her mind. She was teaching for New Albany Public Schools. That morning, she had one of her flare up symptoms (thrush in her mouth). She said everything tasted like wood. Later that day, she began to feel worse. Her ears began to burn. For her, that is a tale-tale sign that bleeding has began in her body. Therefore, she knew that her symptoms and flare up was about to be worst. Prior to that day, Shay had already been to the ER 4-5 times because of her flare ups. Because of her symptoms and knowing and body, she knew she needed to get to the hospital fast. She calls for someone to cover her class and the nurse because she knew she had to get to the ER and quickly. The nurse would not let her drive herself to Tupelo. She met her father, Chip Ashford, halfway to Tupelo.
When she got to the room, she tells Chip that she has to use the bathroom. When she goes, the toilet is full of blood. She is weak and barely makes it back to the bed. Only a few minutes later, she has the urge to use the bathroom again. She tells Chip that she feels her body weakening and knows she is at the point of passing out. She told him she needed him to come with her because if she did pass out she would need someone to get her. Just as she suspected, she passes out in the restroom and has a dream.
Her dream is of flying pigs. They tell her “follow me Shay. Follow me into the light.” She begins to follow them. The sun was happy and shiny. She starts gravitating towards the light. After following them for a little while, she tells the pigs she can’t go the light. She tries to turn backwards, but she is unable to move. She attempts to turn again. This time, she awakens. When she does, she is on a gurney, and Chip is standing over her and asking her to wake up. She begins to vomit on the floor and in her hair. If you know Shay, you know she’s a germaphobe. She said she wasn’t worried about her body. She was worried if the vomit got in her hair. ☺️ On this visit, she has to be admitted for 3 days. Only few family members know that she is even there. They bring her one of her favorite stuffed animals, lady bug. The lady bug is symbolic for good luck. In that moment, good luck and positive vibes is what she needed.
Shay has endured four surgeries because of the Crohn’s. The most horrible surgery was in 2016. The reason for the surgery was because her bowel was not moving through her rectum as it should. She had anal fissure (tear in anal lining) and anal fistulas (infection in anus). Having the surgery was important because her body was identifying the stool as a foreign object. Her body was going into shock because of the pain. The pain she experienced prior to the surgery was nothing compared to the pain she felt after surgery. The only thing that helped eased the pain was bathing in warm water. Her mother, Carolyn, helped her into the tub. Even the warm baths weren’t helping. At that moment, Shay could not take anymore. She asked her dad to shoot her. That was the only way she felt that she could escape the pain. They all sat in the bathroom and cried as Shay suffered in pain. It would take months for her body to completely heal and for her to regain her strength. Still to this day, Shay said the pain she felt was the worst she ever felt in her life.
Typically, a person does not have colonoscopies until the age of 50 (http://www.cancer.org). Due to the in inflammation of the bowels, people that are diagnosed with Crohn’s are more likely to develop colon cancer (http://www.webmd.com). Due to Crohn’s, Shay has a colonoscopy every two years. In 2019, during one of Shay’s routine colonoscopies, the doctors were unable to complete it. The doctors were not able to see inside the colon with the scope because of two blockage, and there was a possibility of colon cancer. She was referred to a specialist. The doctors said that she would have to have surgery to go in to see what was going on. They gave her three scenarios because they didn’t know what it would look like when they went inside. Option A. The large intestines would be taken out and reconnect the small intestines. They would make a clean passage. The small intestines would do what the large intestines used to do. Option B. Everything did not go as smooth, and she would have to wear a colostomy bag for six weeks. She would go back after six weeks and reconnect the small intestines to the rectum. That is if it was a little irritation. The colostomy bag is a plastic bag that collects feces from the digestive tract with and opening from the abdominal wall (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com) Option C. If they go in, try to connect it, and it won’t connect, she would have to wear the colostomy bag permanently for the rest of her life. The doctors felt that because of her being young that option a is what they were hoping for, but she had to be prepared for option C. She didn’t want to have surgery. She did pray about the options, but she was afraid. Shay felt that she PTSD from the surgery of 2016. She didn’t want to have the surgery because of what previously happened. She was afraid of the healing process and wondered what would the pain level be this time around. She researched YouTube, talked to her doctors, and called her friends to get insight on what would happen. None of it helped, but she decided to go ahead and go through the surgery. In order to prevent the risk of colon cancer, Shay’s entire right colon and appendix was removed on December 17, 2019. The hospitalization was four days.
She said it was the best decision ever in her life. She wish she’d done it earlier. It didn’t take away her having Chron’s, but she no longer suffers in pain each day. She is able to eat things that she previously had to let go. She no longer lives her life in fear. Before the total right colon removal, Shay was afraid of trying new things and living her full potential because of her illness. Now, the fear is gone. She is able to live a care free life. She is able to bet he social butterfly that she once was. I am glad and thankful that Chip did not honor her request.
Remember, just because you see someone smiling, it does not mean there isn’t pain behind it. There are people that push through the pain regardless of what is going on with their bodies. They get up, get dressed for work, encourage you, pray for you, and still have a smile on their face. BUT!!!!!! If you don’t remember anything else, remember this!!!!!! There are times, even our superheroes get weak.
Many of us wake up each day with no pain. We get up and go about our morning/daily routine (showering, breakfast, leave for school or work). Have you ever stopped and thought that waking up with no pain is actually a blessing? For the person that suffers with Crohn’s disease or any type of chronic illness, the person may not have the luxury of waking up with no pain.
March is recognized as colon cancer awareness month. I did a three part series on my friends, Gary and Mary Pat Hancock. When I was discussing my topic for the month of March with one my close friends, Shay Ashford, she reminded me about having her total right colon removed in order to prevent the possibility of her getting colon cancer as a Crohn’s patient. Statistics show that every 1 out of 20 people will be diagnosed with colorectal cancer. People with Crohn’s have an even higher risk of obtaining it. http://www.everdayhealth.com. Initially, I thought she would be the week four blog post in the month of March to conclude the series, but there was so much to her story that needed to be shared as well. It would be impossible to tell it all in one week.
If you were like me, you might not even know what Crohn’s disease is. I had not heard of it until Shay told me about her diagnosis and how having Crohn’s has affected her life. Before I share part one her story of her with her battle of how having Crohn’s diseased changed her life, I need to explain what Crohn’s is and how it affects people.
Crohn’s disease is an chronic illness. It is inflammation of the bowel. Some of the symptoms are excruciating stomach pains, fatigue, severe diarrhea, malnutrition, and fatigue. Sometimes, the complications of Crohn’s can lead to death. There is no cure for Crohn’s disease. People that live with it have to learn how to live with it and attempt to do certain things to reduce pain and flare ups. http://www.mayoclinic.org
The symptoms can be mild or severe. They can develop or a period of time, or it can hit a person at all once. This is called the active time period. During this active period, the list of possibilities of symptoms goes on. Sadly, a person can experience several of these symptoms at once. Other symptoms besides the ones from above are blood in stool, mouth sores, reduced appetite, pain or drainage in the anus, inflammation in several areas (skin, eyes, joints, liver, or bile ducts), iron deficiency and kidney stones. If you have some of those symptoms, it does not mean you have Crohn’s. The time to see the doctor is when you are experiencing blood in stool, days of diarrhea, unexplained weight loss, unexplained fever, or abdominal pain http://www.mayoclinic.org. There are even times when nothing is going on. This period is called remission.With symptoms as these, I would personally call it moments of gratitude because I wouldn’t be in pain.
Since November 2003, this was not the case for Shay. It would be the moment that her life would forever change, and things would never be the same. Shay remembers it as if it were yesterday. She was in her college dorm room watching an episode of The Golden Girls when she would have experience her first symptoms; what we now know as her experiencing her first flare up. She felt sick to her stomach and had to go to bathroom. She was vomiting and experiencing diarrhea. Shay assumed it was something she’d eaten and didn’t put much thought into it. Around day 5 of the same thing going on, Shay was extremely weak that her basketball coach had to come feed her like an infant. The smell of food would not allow her to keep anything down. This went on for 7-8 days. After lasting that long, Shay knew it was more than a stomach bug or a bad case of diarrhea. She just didn’t know what it was.
The next severe flare up did not happen until the summer of 2004. Shay was on the track field with her basketball team. Her vision became blurry, and her ears began to hurt. The coach blew the whistle for the team to begin. Shay could not move because of not being able to see and the pain in her ear. She began to black out. Her coach yelled at her because she was not running with her teammates. He asked her was she scared to work out. He even gave her an option. He told her she could either start working out or pack her bags and go home. If you know Shay, she is an athlete. She has been involved in sports all her life. She was not a quitter. She gathered up some strength and began walking as fast as she could around the track. Every 10 steps, she was vomiting on the track. She only made 1 lap around the track, and she collapsed. She doesn’t remember how she got back to her dorm room.
This flare up lasted almost 2 weeks. She was experiencing constant diarrehea, rapid weight loss, no desire to eat, and thrush in the mouth. Shay was going from doctor to doctor to see what was going on with her body. Doctors were saying it was bacteria in her blood, the flu, or a stomach virus. She was having a side effects from the medications on the same time having a flare up, but she didn’t know it was a flare up. She was having to use the bathroom approximately 4 times in each hour. The diagnosis the doctors were giving her symptoms were absurd. She knew it wasn’t the flu. She knew it wasn’t a stomach virus. She lost 40 pounds in 3 days. Her teammates would be shocked when they saw her. Shay was in her room crying and praying for an answer. Due to her being in pain and not being able to practice, Chip, her father, came and withdrew her from school. Shay enrolled at ICC on a basketball scholarship. The head coach gasped when Shay arrived on campus. Shay was not the athlete she’d watch play in high school. Shay told her she was overcoming a sickness. She assured the coach that she would be able to practice if she would bare with her during this time.
In January 2005, there was a little relief. Shay went to a gastroenterologist and was diagnosed with Crohn’s. Even though she had the diagnosis, it didn’t help much. There was little information out about Crohn’s. The doctors didn’t know how to control it or how to reduce the symptoms. The doctors were changing her medications to see what happened. In the first 2 years, she changed about 6 times. The doctors told her to keep up with what foods made her sick and what didn’t. Her weight and health was in such bad condition. Typical body fat for athletes ranges from between 14-20% http://www.healthline.com. During this time, Shay’s body fat was reduced to 10%.
In August 2006, Shay transferred to the University of Alabama. The first year wasn’t bad. She would have min-flare ups that lasted 1-2 weeks instead of the 2-4 weeks before diagnosis. The college got a new basketball coach in June 2007. Shay was excited. Her stamina was coming back. She was looking forward to a new season. July 2007, Shay woke up that morning feeling dizzy. She went to the bathroom, and everything was coming out on both ends. When she flushed the toilet, all she saw was blood. Within 20 minutes, it was still going on, and Shay used the bathroom 4 more times. She freaked out. She called the coach, but he didn’t answer. She called the trainer. The trainer asked if she was able to drive to the school’s infirmary. Somehow, she was able to make it. It was nothing but the grace of God that allowed her to get there safely. During the drive, her head was spinning, ears were burning, and her vision was blurred. Once she was inside of the clinic, she passed out. She remembers the nurse slapping her in the face telling her to wake up and not to die on the floor. The nurse was kind and helped Shay clean herself up before the paramedics came to take her to the ER. When the paramedics came and rolled her out, Shay remembers seeing her teammates and coaches outside watching. All she could think about at that moment was being embarrassed because they’d seen her in that condition.
For 2 days, Shay remained in the hospital with no answers. Chip came and drove her to NMMC. The doctors discovered she had ulcers in her intestines. She had to receive blood at the hospital and another form of medication at the cancer center. After about 15 minutes of her second treatment, Shay had an allergic reaction to the Remicade and couldn’t breathe. The nurse inserted Benadryl into the treatment. They tried one more time doing the blood treatments at the cancer center, and the same thing occurred. That had to be stopped. It was trial and error with her body and her medications. Her medications had been changed many times. She had taken prednisone, flagly, Remicade, and some other pills. Now, her flare ups included everything she was already experiencing with bloody stools, receiving blood, and hospitalization that lasted for days. Would this ever stop? Would Shay ever get any relief?
I asked her how did the flare ups make her feel and how often was she having them. From 2004-2009, she was having flareups 4-5 times a year. 2010-2015, she was having them 2-4 times those years. 2016-2017, there were 6 flare ups. 2016 was a very bad year for her. Later, you’ll read why. Her answer to how the flare ups made her feel was the she had no control over her body. She was afraid of going places in fear of the possibility of having to go to the bathroom. There was no word to describe the pain that she was feeling. She felt that she had lost her true identity of Shay because of Crohn’s. She didn’t want to be a burden to a potential spouse because of her illness. She felt bad because of her parents or grandmother having to take off work to take care of her. She felt useless as a person.
The first time her grandmother, Lula, saw her. She began to cry. She said my baby is dying. That was a moment that Shay will never forget. In actuality, Mrs. Lula did not realize how true of a statement she made. I recalled one weekend going to the movies. I’d seen the movie, A fault in our stars. The movie was about a two teenagers with terminally and chronically ill patients that fell in love. Their parents did not want them to be together because they knew the end results for their lives. At the end, they die. After it was over, Shay and I were on the phone. I was in tears about the movie. I will never forget Shay telling me that is how she feels. There is not a day that her body is not in pain. She was smiling on the outside and going through her day, but she was in severe pain internally. There was a point that Shay should have died, she could have died, and Shay wanted to die because of the pain, how her life completely changed, and how things were no longer the same. In 2016 (during one of her flare ups), Shay was in excruciating pain and was unbearable. To escape the pain and misery, she asked her father to take his gun and shoot her…….
January 1, 2016, Gary Hancock logged onto his Facebook page and wrote “I can’t wait to see what all good things come out of 2016. I am looking forward to a blessed year.” That would be the last time he would ever write those words. He said that he wishes it in his mind, but he will never write those words again on any social media platform. 2016 became of the most trying years of his life. In 2016, it became a year that Gary would experience the true meaning of the words (when he took his vows) through sickness and health. In 2016, he, also, experienced something else that was traumatic. What a year, 2016, it would be….
In 2010, Gary’s friends told him that they wanted to introduce him to someone, he told them that as long as the woman knew he wasn’t interested in anything serious he was okay with having a new friend. All he wanted was someone to occasionally go to dinner. Surprisingly, Mary Pat told her friends the same thing. The joke was on them. They fell in love. A year later, they were walking down the aisle saying “I do”. July 22, 2011 was when they became one together with them and with God on their side. It was God that gave them strength during these tumultuous times.
It was only a month later after Gary’s Facebook post that he felt the wind knocked out of him. Mary Pat was experiencing irregular symptoms going on in her body. She was bleeding in her stool. Mary Pat assumed it was irritable bowel syndrome. Through the urging of her family and Gary, she went to the doctor. Mary Pat was diagnosed with colon cancer.
Everything was set for Mary Pat to have surgery on February 1. Two days later, Gary’s mother, Jo Ann Holloman, was diagnosed with colon cancer too. Can you imagine having to try to be there for your mother and your wife at the same time with the same diagnosis? Can you imagine being pulled in two different directions because you want to be there for your wife, and you want to be there for your mom? Mary Pat made the decision for him. She told him she had plenty of support and for Gary to be with his mother. Be being with his mother, he was able to make lasting memories. Initially, Gary was afraid of losing his wife when she received her diagnosis, but he lost his mother to colon cancer instead.
Mrs. Holloman had no symptoms of any type of cancer, and their family had no history of cancer. Her diagnosis was a surprise because she was only exhibiting signs of anemia.She set up an appointment with her endocrinologist. Her doctor ordered a colonoscopy. There was still no sign of cancer, only the anemia. Four weeks later, her doctor still wasn’t satisfied. He ordered a more invasive scope. This scope revealed that Mrs. Holloman was in stage 4 cancer. The doctor had Gary to step out and delivered the news to him. Mrs Holloman asked Gary what the doctor said. He didn’t want to tell his mom what the doctor said about her diagnosis. She insisted that he shoot it to her straight. Gary uttered the words, ” Mom, the doctor says that you only have 6-9 months to live unless a miracle happens.” Mrs. Hollomon said “maybe, I’ll be the wrong to prove him wrong.” It was exactly 3 months from her diagnosis that Mrs. Hollomon took her last breath. She passed away May 2, 2016.
Gary said the months from February to June of 2016 was a total blur. It was filled of doctor’s appointments with his mom and making sure Mary Pat was ok. He was the only surviving child left. His brother passed away over 20+ years prior. His step-father passed away 2 years prior to his mom. He is thankful for their friends and family that stayed with Mary Pat as he was with his mother the last days of her life.
Life was going good. Mary Pat received a clean bill of health for three years. In 2019, her cancer returned. Here he was having another in sickness and in health test. He felt hopeless. All he had left was his wife and children. He begged God to please not take Mary Pat from him. Mary Pat had her ovaries removed. The doctors thought this would have her tumor level numbers back aligned. When she had her follow up appointment, her numbers were four times higher. This time, it was discovered that the cancer returned in her liver. Surgery was set at UAB March 2020. Prior to surgery, the hospital told Gary that he would be able to stay in the room with her during recovery.
On day of the surgery and after they’d taken Mary Pat to the back, they told that Gary would not be able to stay at the hospital during her recovery because of new Covid procedures. Gary wanted to pass out. He could not see her in prepping, after recovery, or even after surgery. The moment she was rolled back was the last time he would see her until she was released. UAB told Gary that he could drive back home, and they would call him each day to inform him of Mary Pat’s status. Gary did not care what the hotel fee was going to be he was not leaving Birmingham without his wife. Years prior, Gary worked in the hospitality industry. He still had friends there. They allowed him to use the friends and family discount for his stay. Due to the entire world had been shut down, there was nothing Gary could do but sit and wait. Gary said that he watched a lot of television and ate at few local restaurants that were still open. Due to the havoc and extra responsibilities of everyone in a hospital, UAB was not able to contact Gary as they’d stated. He was feeling helpless.
After being in the hospital for 6 days, Mary Pat was able to come home, but the feeling of helplessness was still there. He wanted to be strong for his family. He remembers one night he and Hayden were outside. Hayden asked was his mom going to be ok. He assured him that if it was the Lord’s will that she would. In the back of his mind, he was still wondering because he was thinking of his mother and her death. His mother was ordered chemotherapy. She was not able to take it. All she had was one round, and it put her in the hospital for one month. Mary Pat was ordered 12 rounds of chemotherapy, the same regiment his mother was on. Each round Mary Pat had, Gary wondered what if it got to the point that she could no longer take it and if it would do the same to her as it did his mom. One of his friends, Bobby Mooneyham, told Gary that because of everything he experienced with his mother he knew too much dealing with Mary Pat’s health and her recovery. He finally had a meltdown one night. He had been holding in his mother’s death for years. Mary Pat encouraged him to let it out and to seek counseling to help him through the emotions. Therapy still helps him to this day get through the hard times of life.
Each year, Mary Pat has to have test to ensure that the cancer has not returned. Gary tries to remain calm and not worry that is has returned. Even in the her moments of weakness, he could not give up nor let her give up. Gary’s faith in God and the support of family and friends have helped him endure the trying times. Sometimes, Mary Pat has questioned God why she lived and his mother did not. During a private moment before her death, Mary Pat assured Mrs. Holloman that he would take care of Gary and make sure he was ok.
Often times, couples do not make it when the sickness and health comes. Divorce is soon after. I asked Gary what advice would he give to anyone that is dealing with an illness of his/her spouse. Gary said that you have to have three people in your marriage (the couple and God). Without God, it will not survive. He said to be sure to support your spouse and to remember the vows that were taken before God. Through sickness and health. To death us do part. With God, all things are possible.
Sidenote… I went back to ask Gary more questions, and Hayden was home for spring break. It was impossible not to include him in hearing how he felt about his mother’s journey. I asked him how did he feel as his mother was going through chemotherapy and diagnosis. He said that he held it in. He did not express himself outwardly. To ease his mind, he played a lot of golf. That helped keep his mind off what was happening. Because of covid, he did not want to expose his mom to any germs and visit often. Hayden said it was very tough for him. He was not one to express his emotions until it was all over. He said that his mother’s healing and a clean bill of health was the best news that he ever received in his life. He said it was priceless. He said seeing Mary Pat ring the bell was worth it all.
Here she was celebrating with her friends and family having dinner at Old Venice when Mary Pat received a call from her guardian angel. He told her Mary Pat. “I know you’re celebrating with your friends and family, but you were right. You cancer is back. There is a spot on your liver. You need to have more test.”
The ironic thing is that she didn’t have a clean bill of health.
Mary Pat had stepped outside on the patio when the call came through. She turned and looked at Gary. By the look on her face, immediately, he knew something was wrong. He stepped out to the patio to join her. Her friends were inside having a joyous time believing that all was well. Mary Pat and Gary had to yet again break the dreadful news that her cancer had returned. The entire team got quiet. They said maybe it’s a mistake. Even if it is true, we will get through it as we have before. Her friends were very supportive.
NMMC referred her to UAB again. She needed an oncologist/liver specialist. She had to wait about four weeks before one was selected. The doctor, she would be seeing, was ranked as the number 1 specialist in his field. Everyone was confident that this would be the last time she’d have to have surgery or the cancer reoccurring.
The thing is Mary Pat had a feeling that something wasn’t right even before she’d received the call that night. She’d seen Nurse Nan in Walmart and told her that she was wanting them to look again at her scans. With her receiving that clean bill of health, she wasn’t due to go back to the doctor for another six months, but Mary Pat could not shake the feeling of something being wrong. She asked Nurse Nan if she will talk to the doctors to see if they can review her charts again. Thankfully, the guardian angel did so. Her doctor in Birmingham informed her that if she had waited six months after the news of the “clean bill of health” she would not have been alive.
On top of the diagnosis of her cancer coming back, covid hit the entire world. Hospitalization would not be the same. Her surgery was scheduled, but it was not a guarantee that it would be performed the day scheduled because of covid. The hospitals did not know if there would be enough blood to have the surgery. The hospital informed Mary Pat that people could donate blood even if it wasn’t her blood type. A week before surgery, the community of Tupelo and Houston (Gary’s hometown) came together to donate blood. There was an enormous turnout. The blood drive was a success, and the surgery was scheduled.
Prior to covid, the patient’s loved ones were allowed to sit in the waiting room until the patient was sent into recovery. After recovery, family was allowed to stay and spend the night in the room with the patient. Due to no one understanding the virus and how it was transferred, the hospitals around the world had to take safety precautions. Prior to the surgery, Mary Pat was nervous about surgery and Gary being allowed to be in the room. The day before the surgery, the hospital called and stated that Gary would be able to stay in the hospital room with her. On the morning of surgery, everything changed. The staff came to take Mary Pat for surgery. She and Gary told their goodbyes. Gary went to sit back up front. The staff called him to the front desk. She said the hospital received a memo that morning that no one could be in the patient’s room, no one could sit while the patient was being prepped, no one was allowed in recovery, and that was his last time seeing her before he would pick her up after release. Gary became frantic and worried about his wife. He asked had Mary Pat received the news. If so, how did she react? The staff informed him that Mary Pat was distraught and had to have medicine to calm her down. He asked if there was any left for him. The hospital told him that once she was out of surgery he could go back to Tupelo, and they would contact him each day. Even though he wasn’t able to see her, he was not going to leave the city without her. He would remain in a hotel near the hospital and wait on news from there.
The surgery was successful. When the doctors went inside, a second spot had started to develop on her liver. The cancer had been growing rapidly. It was a blessing that she did not wait six months for another review. Because of the location of the tumor cells, Mary Pat would have to have chemotherapy. The tumor cells were close to arteries. The doctors had no way of knowing if the cancer had spread through her body. For safety precautions, twelve rounds of chemotherapy were ordered. It will eliminate the possibility of the cancer spreading. She didn’t have chemotherapy the first time, but this time she would the second round of cancer.
Everything was hectic and stressful. Mary Pat was in the hospital room alone. She wasn’t able to do anything for herself. Because of covid, nurses were pulled in every direction. It was no longer nurses being able to come in draw blood and examination. I know nurses do much more than drawing blood and checking on patients. I want to enforce that other duties of nurses outside of the norm were added to them. Because no one was able to sit with patients, the nurses were having to assist patients with positioning them in the bed, going to the bathrooms, walking down the hallway, and so many others things that were not typical nursing duties.
Mary Pat remembers one day she had to use the restroom. She waited 45 minutes for assistance, and no one came. She began to unhook herself. She said to herself. It was either her wetting the bed or unhooking herself. One of the nurses came in and asked her what she was doing. Gary had mixed emotions. He was upset that it took them that long to help her. He was sad that he wasn’t able to be with her as she was going through her healing. It was a tough six days of not being able to assist Mary Pat and sitting alone in the hotel room.
I asked Mary Pat how did she feel being alone in the room without Gary. She said that she thinks she was ok because of the pain medicine and being incoherent of what was going on. Her medicine had her very relaxed. She was only breathing five times a minute. It wasn’t good that her breathing was that low, but it was a good thing because she didn’t know what was really going on. While she was in the hospital room unaware of what was really going on, Gary was patiently waiting on news to see how Mary Pat was. It would be two days before she was coherent enough to call him. Gary laughs. He said she was talking mumbo jumbo, but he was ecstatic to hear her voice.
After being in the hospital for six days, they were able to go home. They recalled it as being similar to a carpool line at school. All the patients that were discharged were lining up in their wheelchairs and waiting on their rides to pull up. Just as the other times, her support system was there. Sherrie called Gary and told him to let her know when they were within thirty minutes away. When they pulled into their subdivision, there was a surprise waiting on them. Sherry and other friends lined up on their streets and had a parade for her. Chris, the owner of Absolute Clean, came and disinfected the entire house for her. With covid, it was a necessity for there not to be any germs for her healing. Friends and family made sure they were fed. They would sit the food on the table by the door. The home room parents surprised her at the Tupelo Country Club. All her students and parents presented her with a snack basket, rolls of quarters for her to have during her visits of chemotherapy for the vending machine, and an envelope of cash for her to use for her liking. The last day of school, the students and her parents lined up the neighborhood with signs telling her because of you I can do this now. It listed what the child learned from her. Mary Pat said she didn’t care at all about covid at that moment. She wanted to love on her babies.
On the last day of chemotherapy, Mary Pat’s friends and family were outside waiting on her.
Mary Pat had to wait six weeks past surgery before her chemotherapy would begin. In the first post, I discussed how teaching saved her life. Dr. Richard Arriola was the doctor that performed her biopsy after surgery and input her port. Mary Pat taught three of his children at Saltillo. She had to have twelve rounds of chemotherapy. It was once every two weeks. Due to covid, she had to go alone. It would start on Mondays with a four hour infusion. She had to wear a pump. It was in a 10 pound cross body bag. She would have to wear it for two days. The bag had its own place in the bed with them. It would keep her up for the days that she wore it. Once it was off (after 48 hours), Mary Pat’s body would crash. This lasted for six months. It was very tiring, but Mary Pat was determined to endure it to the end. Her goal was to make it to ring the bell. Ringing the bell is the significance of the patient letting everyone know the chemotherapy is complete.
This was one of her grandparents Christmas ornaments. Her mom gave it to her after chemotherapy to remind her to always rely on God.
After her chemotherapy, Mary Pat sought professional counseling. Her counselor told her you have gone through trauma. You have survived cancer twice. You have not been able to return to the classroom. As of today, she still hasn’t been able to return. She is waiting on the moment that she can. She lost her mother in law during her time of healing. She had surgery through an entire world pandemic. She was focused on ringing the bell and finishing the race, but she needs to take the moment to process it. That is what she is doing to this day.
The day Mary Pat rang the bell, her last round of chemotherapy
She is thankful for all the support she has had through her each and every experience. She is thankful for her friends, Sherry Rial and Julie Halbert, taking her to the beach to have moments of escape from reality. She is thankful for her children for loving her. Lastly, she is thankful for the love of her life for never leaving her side. When they said the vows of sickness and in health, their marriage was put to the test when she became sick. Gary never left her side.
Mary Pat and Sherry at the beach Wedding day
The words of advice that Mary Pat would like to give to anyone that is reading today is to listen to your body. She doesn’t want them to wait until the last minute to have a colonoscopy. Don’t wait just your’e 50 if there are issues going on. She lets people know just because you have not had family history of cancer in your body it does not mean that you are not capable of getting it. If you have to have chemotherapy, there might be hard times. There will be times of wanting to give up and loose hope. She advises anyone to never give up.
Mary Pat going through a round of chemotherapy
Even though Mary Pat has endured a lot, Mary Pat feels that her experience has allowed her to become an advocate for colon cancer awareness. She came across a quote that she used to help her overcome. It says, ” you have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.”
Loving all of Carman: Mind, heart, body, and soul 